September 8—I dreamed I had a big beautiful old house and everyone loved me for it and I had to buy a lawnmower for the overgrown grass. I also dreamed I was in India during a war and there were planes flying overhead. I was trying to pack my bags and keep them packed for when the opportunity arose to get out. I think that dream comes from my relationship with P. I’m always ready to leave if need be.
You know, I finally see something I do in my relationships: I decide what’s best for the men because they obviously cannot decide themselves. Like P. He’s too financially insecure to have a girlfriend at this time so, I’ll spare him and leave. I guess that’s a huge form of projection. I can think of a million reasons why he might not want me in his life and so, I try to accommodate. Why do I do this? To protect myself?
I was able to do a great thing though the other day when I bailed out of lunch. I didn’t go running over to his house like a sucker and start crying like a baby. If that were C, I would have run over to his house, desperate, crying, asking for forgiveness. I stand up for myself and reject these men on the one hand, and then, I fall apart and run back after them. God. Why? Well, I didn’t do it this time and it felt empowering.
Anyway, yesterday was lovely. We took the boys to the lighthouse and climbed to the top. We ate at Kelly’s then drove to the amusement park for some arcade games. Angel bought a stop light and Liam bought a Pokémon toy.
The whole day was pretty much spent putting P to sleep under the hypnotic power of Liam. Liam would say, “Fall asleep, P…” and P, despite the fact that he was driving, would fall asleep and start snoring. Then Liam would say something like, “Your new name is George Washington,” and when P would wake up he’d (pretend to) believe he was George Washington. Of course, Liam cast other spells on him while he was sleeping, like, “When you wake up you will no longer want to go to the pub.” That one didn’t work. And, of course, I then fantasized that P would cast spells on me and put me in a deep hypnotic trance… Love him forever…stay with him…
We dropped P off at about five and as I was leaving I found a bag of pot right on top of his TV in the candle with the light bulb in it. After many months of staring at that oddity, I finally picked it up (the light bulb) and there was his little baggy. He said it was old, and I believe him. But, if it’s so old what did he smoke at last month’s big pot fiasco? And maybe he has more stashed away somewhere. Who knows. If you lose awareness of pot in your house you probably have more hidden away somewhere. I’m looking the other way. I took it, wrapped it up in tinfoil and plan to throw it away in some random trash can.
I went to bed reading my new book: That Which You are Seeking is Causing You to Seek. The jury is out on this one.
Taken from: The Break-Up Journal