The Break-Up Journal is a slightly embarrassing, sad account of my complete denial and love addiction over the span of one relationship to a guy named P. I chose the letter P for anonymity and for Peter Pan, because that’s my kindest description of the real guy I really broke up with (or rather, who broke up with me). I want to be perfectly clear when I say that P wasn’t a bad guy, he wasn’t a “player” and he wasn’t using me. He was merely fighting some pretty big demons that created in him the coping mechanism of avoidance, coupled with an almost complete refusal to grow up. I think in the beginning, he honestly believed he loved me and was very attracted to me. And, I think throughout our relationship he really did try to be a.) everything he thought I wanted him to be, and b.) everything he thought he should be. We both failed miserably on both points. We failed knowing who we were and what our natures were capable of.
The following pages were taken from Volumes 96A and 97 and span a period of roughly eight months, from the end of May to January. They not only represent my struggles, my pain and, for lack of a better word, stupidity, they also represent my courage and my never-ceasing battle to become a healthy person.
The journal begins on May 31, about four months after my relationship with P began and right at the point at which things subtly start to fall apart. The irony in this entry is well captured in one line: “And funnily enough P and I were saying to each other in the car ride over, “We will never, ever, ever, ever break up. Nothing will ever happen to us. We will never suffer or fight. We will always love one another…” From there it gives a rather fabulous (if I do say so myself) account of my withdrawal and an even more delightfully, insanity-filled account of the beginnings of my recovery. It is raw. Unedited. Vulnerable. It is sad. But also, filled with hope and courage.
Hopefully, it will help you in your own recovery.
Names, dates and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals, but otherwise, this journal is true account of my life as it happened prior to my full recovery. Remember to read up from the bottom.
The Break-Up Journal (season 2)
The Break-Up Journal (season 1)