How (Not!) to attract an Avoidant

So, you want to date an Avoidant, huh (not really)? Well, here’s ten easy steps.  When you follow this 10-step plan, you are guaranteed to date an Avoidant.  And don’t worry, if you cannot find a ready-made Avoidant, you can definitely create one by following this plan. You can’t go wrong…

  1. Be impulsive–Love Avoidants love when people are impulsive. Why? Because when you’re impulsive there’s no room for taking the time to understand and get to know people, places and things. And when there’s no time taken to carefully consider if someone is right for you, your chances are higher that you will lock yourself into a relationship with someone who is not a suitable partner. An Avoidant knows he comes with a lot of issues; he’s insecure and lacks confidence. But he desperately craves the idea of love and sex. If you’re impulsive, you’re more willing to give him a chance.
  2. Fall in love quickly: Along with being impulsive, you also need to fall in love fast. Because when you want to date an Avoidant, emotions need to run extremely hot in the very beginning because within no time, they will start to run cold. As soon as you are flying high in love, the avoidance can begin!
  3. Overlook red flags: Red flags need to be noticed. They are waving red for a reason: to signal a warning that something isn’t right. Avoidants, unfortunately, come with a ton of red flags–they tend not to call you back right away, they often lie, they disappear for days, they are chronically “busy” or occupied to the point of never being able to see you, they tend to not have a very stable history of long term relationships, they tend to have addictions like smoking pot and drinking, and the big one: they are emotionally stunted and have a fear of enmeshment. So…if you truly want to be with an Avoidant, just turn a blind eye to any and all red flags–especially those waving ferociously. Your Avoidant will be so grateful.
  4. Say one thing, but do another: One of the best ways to seduce an Avoidant is to say one thing, like, “I’m going to break up with you because [fill in the blank]” but then do another, like, STAY in the relationship. You are not only seducing your Avoidant, you are teaching him that your words mean very little. He will adore you all the more because, as you will see in #9, he does the same thing.
  5. Be controlling: Avoidants need little pushes here and there to do things because they’re like overgrown toddlers. They need to be told to take you out on a date, they need to be told to bring flowers, they need to be nudged into sleeping over, and they definitely need to be shoved full-force into any kind of committed relationship. God forbid we don’t control, cajole, nudge and push Avoidants into doing stuff. We’d lose them immediately [Are you getting my sarcasm yet?!]
  6. Be insecure: Avoidants are insecure, so you need to be insecure. And because water seeks its own level and like attracts like, you’ll never find and hold onto an Avoidant unless you yourself lack security about who you are. A woman who is secure in herself is greatly intimidating to Avoidants and they will instantly break up with you. The same can be said for self-confidence and self-esteem.
  7. Never grow up: Ever hear of the Peter Pan Syndrome? Poor Peter Pan suffered from severely stunted growth, a bit of narcissism and an intimacy disorder which kept him from being truly able to commit to anyone (Wendy). He was the eternal boy, unable to grow up, and that tends to mean one thing: he can’t handle a grown up relationship that is built of responsibility, care, partnership, equality, communication, and other adult-like behaviors required for a grown up relationship. If you’re a grown up, and you’re dating an Avoidant, chances are he will feel incredibly uncomfortable around your grownupness. Take it down a notch and kick and scream like a toddler. And don’t dare ask him to be responsible or make a commitment to you. Way too scary.
  8. Have low expectations: If you think your Avoidant will want to communicate with you regularly, spend reasonable amounts of time with you, love you maturely and be a responsible partner, you’re barking up the wrong tree. You need to lower your expectations way down. In fact, you need to get rid of your expectations and settle for scraps. Scraps are what you will get when you date an Avoidant.
  9. Accept words as truth, not actions: Avoidants are big on words, short on action. If you already have experience with an Avoidant, you’ll know the ‘ol routine. They will say they love you, but they’ll rarely make the effort to come over and see you. They will say they want you in their life, but they’ll run away from you every chance they get. This confuses most people to the point of running in the opposite direction. Who doesn’t it confuse? Two types of people: people who trust that words are valid proclamations, and have no need to wait around and make sure that right action follows or the job is completed (Ever have an electrician say, Yes, I will fix your broken electrical outlet, then, take your money and never come back to actually fix your electrical outlet?), and people who desperately want to be in a relationship with anyone and settle for words over actions. These people are not confused by accepting words as truth, and not caring about actions. They are simply frustrated by it. Oh well. Small price to pay if you want to date an Avoidant!
  10. Be a caretaker: Avoidants are attracted to caretakers like teenagers to Snapchat. Like yin and yang. That’s because Avoidants avoid responsibilities (because responsibility is too overwhelming) and caretakers are driven by taking responsibility for others (because it means they don’t have to take responsibility for themselves). That being said, this is a match made in Heaven if you are a natural caretaker. You will definitely being doing a lot of care taking in this relationship, and your Avoidant will be able to continue to avoid. Ahhh….functional dysfunction!

If you do NOT want to date an Avoidant, well, that’s relatively easy to do too. Simply, DO NOT FOLLOW THIS PLAN! 😉




15 thoughts on “How (Not!) to attract an Avoidant

    1. Being an anxious learning to be secure, I laughed and cried intermittently because of the unmistakable truth and undeniable accuracy of this. Any girl or guy teying to get over their avoidant needs to read this because it will provide what you’ve been feeling in your gut all along.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Absolutely it does. I finally had a relationship with a real extreme avoidant, but it was good because it helped me learn more about my anxious attachment side and how to start growing out of that finally.


  1. This is accurate, darkly funny, and beautifully written. I”m printing it out so that I can tape it somewhere that I can see it often.

    Great work.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you. I realized I’ve been attracting avoidants and this is why they blow hot and cold suddenly – cool off very quickly. was left wondering what I did and now I am done. It’s them, not me. I just walked away. I won’t be attracting them anymore because I finally learned and got my shield up. I saw my last avoidant at the brewery the other night. After what happened between us, he never said anything to me or my upset. But he sat behind us at the bar and just stared at me, hoping I would catch his eye and wave or smile or something and I never did. I am still very attracted to him, but I can’t go there. I am doing better at avoiding the avoidant. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This describes what I’ve been through off and on for 2 and half years , sadly he’s not just avoidant he’s a narcissist . It’s taken me a very long time to come to terms with this and I’m not over it. I ended it yet again 3 months ago as it was still a non relationship despite all his promises AGAIN after 3 months no contact he’s just come back AGAIN begging me to get back with him saying he’ll change . For the first time ever I have said NO and more or less blanked him. Yet again this has unsettled me just when I thought I was making progress moving on . His final text was he will not contact me again and he loves me. I didn’t respond . I’m now left feeling devastated AGAIN. The nightmare never ends . Will he try again ? Who knows


    1. Hi Lisa, do you want a guy who is narcissistic and avoidant? Do you want a guy who runs hot and cold? Whether he loves you or not shouldn’t matter. What should matter is what you want. And since you can’t change him, you have to determine if you can put up with his spotty non-loving behavior. This is not a nightmare. This is empowerment. You need to know that you’re in control. YOU are the one who chooses.


  4. My avoidant bf doesn’t even say that he loves me… Every time I ask him, he avoids answering. He tell lies a lot as well. All he wants is sex. Do u think he is looking for a new girl? If he gets a new one, will he leave me?


    1. Hi Trisha,
      It sounds like you’re settling for sex instead of love. Is that what you want? Because it sounds like this guy isn’t capable of more than sex. Ask yourself what you want from a relationship. If it’s love, truth, honesty, respect and things like that this guy does not seem to be for you. It might be time for YOU to find someone new.


  5. Being an anxious learning to be secure, I laughed and cried intermittently because of the unmistakable truth and undeniable accuracy of this. Any girl or guy teying to get over their avoidant needs to read this because it will provide what you’ve been feeling in your gut all along.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. And it is very true that avoidants are insecure. When I had a breakup with one, he admitted he had insecurities but would not say what they were and that he had not gotten over his last two relationships, which to me did not seem to count for really involved, longer-term relationships at all.

    Liked by 1 person

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