I need you to love me.
I need you to make me happy.
I need you to take out the trash.
I need you to feed the dog.
I need you to make love to me.
I need you to support me.
I need you to be faithful.
I need you to be nice to me.
I need you to pay more attention to me.
I need you to respect me.
I need you to ravish me.
I need you to stop lying.
I need you to love me more than you love her.
I need you to make a decision.
I need you…I need you…I need you…
Need to a committed relationship is like foam to a cappuccino. You can’t have one without the other. Needs must be met. And we hear it all the time: I have a right to be loved. I have a right to be respected. I am in a committed relationship, which means my partner should meet my needs.
All of those opinions and beliefs are true. You DO have a right to be loved. And you DO have a right to be respected. And you DO have a right to have your needs met in a commited relationship.
But you do NOT have the right to demand those things from someone who is unable or unwilling to give them to you.
That’s the sad disclaimer of an unhealthy relationship. We get into relationships with unavailable people and then impose our expectations of needs upon them. When they don’t give us what we want and need, instead of leaving, we badger, beg and bitch about it.
So, here’s a little trick: You know you’re in a bad relationship when you feel over-the-top needy. Chances are this is a big red flag that your partner is not willing or able to meet your needs. Likewise, you know you’re in a healthy relationship, when you don’t feel needy at all.
And here’s another little trick, when you both come to the table whole, you are able to give love, respect, attention, and kindness freely to the point where you never feel as though you must demand these things. Hollywood has us convinced that we’re not whole. That we need to find our second half. And then, we buy into the “You complete me” silliness. YOU ARE WHOLE and he should be WHOLE too. And when you find yourself begging for your needs to be met, that’s a pretty big sign that it’s probably not going to happen from this particular person.