The Break-Up Journal: Creeping Insecurities

September 7—I think the ugliness is almost over but I cannot be sure. I slept horribly but I did sleep right next to P. He slept over with the boys here for the very first time. We went out to Mikado or some Japanese restaurant last night. It poured all day but it wasn’t nearly the kind of storm I thought it would be. It was quieter, less rambling. I almost had lunch with P but it didn’t feel right and I bailed out. He’s teaching me not to expect too much from him, especially when it concerns “time” and so, I felt lunch was too much to ask. Besides, I knew if I saw him I’d completely lose it. Not that it was any better later, but I faked it. Sort of.

I was annoyed by the whole no sex and no real touching matter the night before. Hugs only. With the exception of this: he asked if he could “do” anything for me sexually, kind of like a sacrificial offering. But that idea repulsed me. I don’t even know what that would look like. The thought of a man going down on me when he wasn’t exactly into it didn’t seem very appealing.

Anyway, every insecurity crept into me yesterday… what is it about me that makes men want to stop having sex? I can’t be that repulsive, can I? BD couldn’t get enough of me. And speaking of BD, his mother called yesterday to buy some of our products. Well, buy is the wrong word. She wanted free stuff. Maybe if I were still dating her son. Ugh. What a shameless bunch they are.

P has to work again tonight. It actually turns my stomach when he tells me that. I suppose because I only partly believe him.

As for personal stuff I sent out four short stories. Go me!

Lately I have been comparing P to C. A lot. If P does something that C did, dear Lord, it scares me. When C stopped wanting to have sex with me about eight months into our relationship it would lead to two things: that we would not have sex for a year straight, and that all talk of him sleeping over, living with me or marrying me would cease.

When P doesn’t want to have sex I can’t help but fear the same fate. And yet, they are two different people. Aren’t they? I’m beginning to wonder.
Taken from: The Break-Up Journal

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