September 6—As I laid in bed this morning it all kinda came to me, how my life really hasn’t changed very much in the way of the men I choose. I keep repeating dysfunctional patterns.
I replaced one C with another. Same guy, different face.
When I think of the similarities it disturbs me greatly. It’s been months since P slept over. It’s been months since we’ve actually enjoyed sex. It’s been months since we’ve been together with any normalcy. He’s lost his libido. He works incessantly. Then, there are so many roadblocks to him: the midnight shift, Jackie, my kids, P-time, the weather.
Yes, I was told last night if it rains, he’s staying in all day and catching up on “P-time.” Really? Is that a thing? You would think he’d choose Tracy time. He hasn’t seen me in so long. But instead, he opts for Tracy-Angel-Liam-food-time. Forget alone-time with just me.
One of these days I will offer him nothing but time alone with me. No food. No excitement. It’ll be interesting to see if I am enough. Just me. What is a reasonable amount of time couples spent together anyway? Sleep together? Is it unreasonable that I would want some alone time with him? Gosh, I just don’t know.
A poem of mine was rejected today, but they liked it enough to send me a personal note saying they want to see more of my writing (Ploughshares). I guess that’s cool. But it reopened some wounds. It pains me immensely to be rejected. I take it personally even though I know I shouldn’t.
Seriously though, I have to get certain things through my head: I am only dating this man. I am not married to him. I am not betrothed to him. This is a time to get to know him and for him to get to know me. It’s not a time to be sucked into an addiction. He cannot answer all my prayers. He cannot save me. We are not even living together. I need to back off.
Taken from: The Break-Up Journal