So…it’s been nine days since I’ve been away from home. I go back tomorrow and I simply cannot wait. But being away and not really on vacation but rather stuck in a tiny little house with bars on the windows in a city which does not give me much pleasure has made me feel imprisoned, lonely, sad, frustrated and isolated. Add to that a larger caffeine intake, and eating like a crazy person and you get the picture. It’s just me with my two kids in a foreign country. I miss my language, I miss my home, I miss my boyfriend. And so…what am I doing about all this discomfort?
What should I be doing about all this discomfort? I should be meditating, exploring the city, making peace with my alone time, learning the art of patience, reading, practicing my Spanish, conversing with my inlaws, trying new foods. But wait! I HAVE BEEN DOING ALL THAT. And yet I still feel like crap. And I still desperately want to go home. And more than that, I am starting to blame my mother for not writing enough and I am starting to blame my boyfriend for not putting enough “emotion” into his letters…and…Oh! WHat we tend to do when we have little to no control over our circumstance. We point the finger. We blame. We attack. We get angry when people don’t respond to us or fulfill our lives and take the edge off our suffering. Heck, we would do that for them, wouldn’t we?
We probably would. It’s one of the reasons we are love addicts. We are dependent on others for our happiness. We are nothing without people.
Well, this is not good. I don’t like being so resourceless. It’s reminded me of the who I used to be. It’s reminding me of the person I no longer am. So, how do I get rid of this feeling of discomfort. When I read the message boards, it’s written all over the place; people are screaming for the answer to this one question: how do I get rid of the pain?
As much as I want an answer. And as much as I believe that D will take away the pain and being home will take away the pain, I realize the truth within this conflict. I realize the essential nature of pain. That it is a paradox. When you try to get rid of it, it seems to grow bigger, deeper and wider. But if you accept it and just feel it and allow it to happen, it suddenly grows smaller until it is (at least temporarily) gone.
SO…I will stop fighting it. I will just feel it, experience it, manage it. I’ll let you know what happens. Wish me luck!