So, now that there is stability in my life and now that it has been nearly TWO YEARS since I’ve experience any true discomfort, I am starting to have little monthly flair-ups. It’s almost as if I am looking to cause trouble. This month it was particularly upsetting because, as it used to be in the past, I directed my upset towards D, blaming him for not feeding his kids a more healthy diet (it always boils down to food. I’ve been obsessed with healthy eating). Anyway, without going into much detail, we resolved the issue together and are stronger for it. But that doesn’t necessarily make me feel better. What about next month, or the month after that? Will I always have these meltdowns?
I started to fear that they were back and would take over my life, until I remembered a lesson I’d learned back in the height of my recovery: Grow up! I cannot tell you how remembering this one simple phrase just brought it all back- all the lessons I had learned but seemingly forgot. I must remember that I control me, no one else. And that trying getting whooped up into gossip, and allowing others to control me and me in turn trying to control others is childish. I am better than that and what’s more, I must remain focused on the bigger picture.
When we recover though, and I mean REALLY recover to the point of being able to finally manage our lives well and have healthy relationships, we sometimes forget those early lessons that brought us to a place of enlightenment in the first place. We implode and fall back on old ways. We fall back on failure instead of pushing ourselves to continue seeking success.
It was just a couple weeks ago where I wrote that I was completed CURED of love addiction. But now, I’m not so sure. At times in my life, I do feel myself crashing and it takes effort to pull myself back up and stop the negative thinking in my head. It’s not that I act out in ways that are desperate or bottom level. It’s not that I am addicted to any one person. But I will at times lose my self-esteem. I will be plagued by self-doubt. I will avoid myself or simply want to quit everything (meaning my job, etc.) and go bury myself in a hole. I will even sometimes think “Is this it? Is this what I have been fighting for? Is this what I have been trying to reach?” And now that I am here in this spot, now what?”
What’s nice is that this kind of thinking does not apply to D, but rather to me and me alone. It has to do with my life, my work, my career, my hobbies, my house, my interests. I am still at odds with these things and can only hope I recognize a way to soothe the turmoil.
My advice today: for those in active recovery, don’t give up hope! And don’t forget the lessons you learned that brought you here. Bad days are normal. They are a part of life. Try to make peace with them and remain a grown up!