Poor me

Today marks a significant day for me. I am going to see a divorce attorney regarding child support and I am simply not looking forward to it. My ex is, for lack of a more compassionate term, a lemon. Aside from having a rather decent job in technology, he has virtually no education, no street smarts, no friends, no family, can’t properly take care of himself, is in debt, and as recently as February, his house burned down and he lost everything (side note: the only thing of value in his house was his beer mug collection and his computers, and the computers were saved. Then insurance kicked in and compensated him quite well to rebuild his house and replenish his possessions).

I, on the other hand, have a beautiful family, many friends, a decent salary, a loving boyfriend, zero debt, graduate work completed, an undergrad degree in English lit and two beautiful boys who love and respect me.

So, why do I feel the need to ask for child support when, clearly, it would kick a man when he’s down?

Here’s the deal. When we divorced, I had a few extra dollars and so, I bought him out of the house I am now living in. I overpaid, simply because I felt “bad” for him. He took the money, bought a big house, lost his job and lived off the money for a year until it dwindled away completely. He never paid child support, because at the time, I was making enough and was counseled against asking for it. But now, six years later, my financial situation has changed. I do not make enough money and need him to start paying child support for his kids. He started giving me $100 a month and sometimes even pays over that if I tack on a bill for new sneakers or something like that. But he’s never given me over $300 a month for our two sons. I pay for almost everything, and they are with me about 85% of the time. Also, his live-in girl friend refuses to work and so he supports her, and every time I ask for money, it’s a HUGE conflict. I am demeaned and belittled every time I ask for something more. Sometimes he won’t give it because, in his mind, he would not have bought it in the first place. So, as I am trying to maintain my budget as best as I can, he’s supporting his girlfriend and flying off to Mexico. This disturbs me. I feel as though he should have to pay for his children. Legally, he’s required to pay about 400-500 PER child. I am only asking for $400 a month, total.

But the whole thing is making me sick. Why? Because I feel sorry for him. He shouldn’t have to be so burdened, I think. And yet…he should be responsible enough to pay for his own children! But am I being selfish? Greedy? Should I just cut my losses and move on and not expect a dime from him anymore? Pay for my kids to go to college and whatever else? I am very confused and feel somewhat out of control.

I wonder what the lawyer will say. I’ll keep you posted.

2 thoughts on “Poor me

  1. Same. My son’s father is on a formula 1 team.I know he earns alot of money ( obviously) BUT he pays me what he was earning a few years back when he went through a tough spell.
    I know that if I ask for what he should give me an argumne twill ensue. So I don’t. My parent’s help me out instead. This makes me sick. I actually asked him to LEND me the deposit for my son’s school bus and he simply sent a text saying “Sorry no.” he attacks me for not dressing my son in designer clothes and bad mouths me to his family who now don’t speak to me. Its exhausting, so I opted out. I am also very poor right now.( It won’t stay this way forever, it won’t it won’t it won’t!!)

    I have decided that when I no longer need his money I will go after him. Mad I know but at least if he then gives me nothing for a while( he has a hold over me) it won’t matter. He happily boasts to me how he is about to buy a big house and stuff and I smile sweetly and tell him I’m pleased for him. I have no strength left for the conflict.
    I feel your pain. It’s hard to step up and take action over these things. People can be pretty nasty about money, it brings out this horrid fighting instinct. Maybe I should go for it too and get what is owed to me to look after our son…..


  2. winifredstone,

    How did I miss this? I apologize. But you said it, money brings out the worst in people.

    I do know that in the states there are court ordered lawyers that can help a mum gain child support for free, especially if she is on welfare. It’s one of our greatest social services. However, if you make a decent living, you may have to pay for counsel. Not sure what it’s like in UK.

    I am, believe it or not, still going back and forth with this mess. Ugg. But hopefully soon it will be resolved and I’ll receive a whopping $350 per month in child support. Pathetic.


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