October 5—I heard nothing from P all day yesterday. At one point it hurt so badly I couldn’t stop crying. I cried while watching cartoons. What am I doing? Why can’t I resolve issues more maturely? Why did I send him packing? I completely regret what I said.
I tried to keep busy. I went to my mom’s. I went to see C at the diner. Watched the movie Spider. Watched The Incredible Shrinking Woman with the boys when they got home. Made dinner. Went food shopping. And read Women’s Indian Captivity Stories, a book I studied in one of my American lit classes years ago. Every fall I love reading this book in particular. It always fascinates me how these white women would be captured by Native Americans, brought back to their tribe and married off. Many of them grew to love their new life within the tribe and when their families would try to recapture them and bring them back into “civilization” they resisted, or worse, they came home unable to acclimate to Puritan society.
But, throughout the day the lack of P hurt deeply. Although I was alone most of the time when I was with him, there was still comfort in knowing he was around somewhere and I might seem him again. But, this. This is torture. Then again, dating him was a bit of torture too.
And yet, despite the fact that I made my boundaries and am standing firmly to my stance that I’m not going to take his “avoidance” anymore, I still wish there was hope. A Dear Tracy, letter, maybe. It won’t be all roses and chocolate hearts. But, it might say something like, I do love you, and I am so glad you had the foresight to see that I just needed this little break. And it would continue to say…I thought a lot about what you said and what you’ve sensed and I think you are amazing for realizing there is something wrong. And indeed there is…
Being alone these past couple days made me realize how much I missed that deep, soul searching alone time I always had but lost somewhere along the way. I also realized that it’s too important to give up just yet and that I need independence. Whether it’s because I’m scared or immature or what, I do not know. But I know it calls me.
I think you are the greatest girlfriend anyone could have. You are so giving , so loving, caring, honest and real. And I do love spending time with you. But, I do not see us marrying or living together anytime soon. I know that I risk losing you when I say that, and I don’t want to. But, I want my cake and I want to eat it too. You answer certain things for me, but not others. And I am afraid if I can’t give you everything, I will let you down. With that being said, I am letting you decide to stick around or leave. I hope you stay. But I understand if you need to go.
And I would write back, Oh, I don’t know, P. I have so many issues that I am not sure I can deal with…the pot, the lack of trust, the lack of intimacy, your fear of commitment, the lack of sex, your insecurities, my impatience…
If he asks to come back, I will have to put my foot down. There will have to be rules in place. He’ll have to change.
Jesus. I’m pretty sure I’m expecting him to come back and say, I love you and I want to marry you. But, he’s not going to say that, Tracy. The distance here was put in place by him, not me.
And hell, why do I keep imagining that this is his time to do some soul-searching? It’s my time too. Sadly, I feel like I lost my soul. I am simply a vessel that waits for her master. There needs to be a soul in the first place to do any soul-searching.