The Break-Up Journal: downward spiral


6 October—I’m not sure what to say except that I am completely absorbed in my own miserable suffering. I hope this is the day I hear back from P. I miss him. I came to expect too much from him I guess. He loves me but he wants to be free from me most of the time. That’s what sucks. That I know this and still want him back is my downfall.

The Chowda Fest was yesterday. I went to try and stay busy, but I was painfully aware of how lonely and alone I was; besides, there were a million people and I became slightly claustrophobic. The day was beautiful though. The line was long but moved quickly. Angel and I went around and tasted all the white chowders, then the reds. Liam wouldn’t try any. By 2pm we were heading back home.

My uncle got very sick the night before and called for everyone to say goodbye. But, by the time my mother got there he was stable. What a shame. He’s only 65. My mother says he’s just skin and bones. Here is a man who got cancer when he was 30, back in the 70’s, and to get rid of it, they radiated his entire body. He has been suffering his whole life with sickness. Then again, they told him he’d only live to 40. Am I asking too much that he should live till 100?

I stopped with the birth control pills. Those, plus the Prozac has been too much. I just don’t like taking any drugs. My mother said that Uncle D is on 20 different meds. Good Lord.

I bought pumpkins and mums yesterday, cooked dinner and continued to read the Women’s Indian Captivity Stories. It’s been my only real consolation.

I never got my letter to the editor in the paper. So disappointing. It was a good one too. I don’t know what else to say. One thing is for sure. If P dumps me I’m studying for the GREs. I have to do something. I have to get to grad school in the fall.

3:15p.m.—I’m the biggest wimp. I can’t do it. I can’t refrain from writing to him. So starts the downward spiral. The new alignment of who we are. I fear I’ve ruined “us.”

8:30 p.m.—I am so upset with myself. I ended up texting P at 6 p.m., just to say Hi. He was completely nonchalant and laid back and tra la la, like nothing is fucking going on. I haven’t spoken to him in four fucking days and he’s like, “Yeah, I was going to see if you want to do something on Thursday.”

Huh? I felt like saying, I don’t even know you. Who are you?!

Maybe the Prozac is making me hostile. This is insane.

I am insane right now. My stomach is in knots.

Thank God I talked to C earlier and he calmed me. I am definitely with the wrong man. Kids, say goodbye to P. He’s history.

9:45 p.m. He said he misses himself. I was right. When I asked if he wants to break-up with me he said he doesn’t know. That that’s what he’s trying to figure out. I think on Thursday he wants to tell me to my face that it’s over.

God, this has never hurt so much. I am in excruciating pain. On so many levels. I’m drowning. Your appeal has been denied Ms. Shields, you are going to the death chamber on Thursday.  I wish I were a different kind of woman. I wish I were strong. I wish I wasn’t so useless.

 

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2 thoughts on “The Break-Up Journal: downward spiral

  1. This is exactly what i am going through , i am lost and in pain and rejected by his no bother attitude yet i see and hear him show affection to other sponsees in NA i am confused we both work the same program how can you treat someone who your so close to 2 weeks ago, like they mean nothing to watch them disappear hurt and struggle and not lift a finger i must really have hurt him.He must hate me now i cant even turn to the fellowship our love and life together was centered around the fellowship we both do very loud area service and are well known and here i am poor lonely pathetic train wreck , who use to be this force of nature opinionated and controlling not afraid to call people on stuff and now i am a shell of the person i use to be distracted and barely holding onto my mask of okayness for work infact i am pretty sure i am going to get fired ,i just lost my financial trust for college and he is fine spiritually intact better for having walked away from the very sick love addict with sever PTSD that upset his serenity and where am i, I am lost hurting without a home group or safe space everything reminds me of him , i think i might be loosing my mind i have to hold on i cant loose another child ove a man r who decided i was no longer good for him anymore.

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    1. Thanks so much for sharing your story nazley. Try to hang in there. You have to believe you are better than the scraps he’s feeding you. We tend to obsess over people and things that are not ours. I know that letting go is super scary, but you it won’t kill you. It will actually make you stonger. I’m guessing that’s the last thing you want to hear. But, would you rather me say, “he loves you and you’re relationship is just peachy!”? You know that’s not the truth. You know that there’s a pretty big problem, yes? And so, it’s time to be a warrior! It’s time to take all that energy in you, that you’ve been putting into him, and start putting it into you, where it belongs. Turn the focus away from him, and place it on you.

      Write a list. What does your perfect partner look like? What does he say? What does he do? WHat are his interests? What are YOUR interests? What do you do? It’s time to rebuild yourself, girl. Keep reading my blog. Don’t just read “The Break Up Journal.” Scroll down and read some of the other posts that give concrete advice and support on dealing with avoidant partners. I hope this helps. –Tracy

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