24 September—There’s a weird phenomenon that happens when you love P. He clams up, becomes complacent, and doesn’t really express any love back. But the second you say you’re going to dump him, to his face, he sends you a ton of text messages that say things like, “Good night, beautiful,” and “I love you,” and “I want to buy your ticket to SF,” and “xoxoxoxoxoxoxo.”
Anyway, I sunk into depression yesterday and I told him about this morning, and he did try to comfort me. Again, another way I seem to get attention from him. He prefers the sick-dying-angry-miserable me to the happy-peaceful-in-love me. But it’s not good. It doesn’t make me feel proud. It makes me feel desperate, like I’ll do anything for his attention. Love should not be like this! I know this! Why do I stay?
I was filled with anger yesterday. Anger at the world, at me, at P. All that anger I thought I’d gotten rid of when I divorced R is all still there. I am starting to doubt the perfection of my relationship to P. I started doubting a long time ago, only now, I am a bit braver. Now, it’s a shred easier to peek into a possible reality I’ve been trying to avoid. That being said, I am writing a list of the positives and negatives to help me get better clarity: