The Break-Up Journal: suck it up or let go

25 September—I did it. I finally wrote P a letter saying that I need stability and that our lives have become unpredictable. I never know when he’s coming or going. I never know if I will see him in 2 hours or 2 weeks. It makes me feel like my life is in a constant state of chaos. I asked him if maybe we could have a set schedule, like get together on at least one day every week so I can feel like I have a little more control over my life. So I can plan. So life becomes somewhat predictable. Yes! I am guilty of trying to control. But, he agreed. Totally, he said, and, I love you very much.

All this came at the end of a fairly pleasant day. I went to visit him in the morning–not unannounced– and he was very affectionate. I brought him some pastries from McMillan’s bakery and then we went out to breakfast at the diner.

I came home, went to Liam’s school to drop off cookies and juice and when I saw Liam he looked all worn out and tired. I asked the nurse to take his temperature and he had 102, so I took him home and got him right into bed and gave him ibuprofen.

I popped a lasagna in the oven, helped with homework and picked up Angel. I ended up seeing Angel’s bad math and social studies grades. Gosh, he’s so much like I used to be.

My Uncle is not doing well. I am praying for him. Dear God, help him. Let him live. He’s been fighting this cancer for years now. And me? I feel pathetic that I am actually miserable over a relationship when there’s so much real suffering in the world. What a luxury! What a wimp I am. I need to either suck it up and be happy for what I have, or let go…

In other news…Delores was over again yesterday but I told her to come every other week again as this is getting very expensive. She was okay with that. I ran to Wholefoods to get “clean” food for Angel for his ADHD,  and then spent the rest of the day watching CNN and BBC and waiting for the debate. What was amazing to watch was how each man believed his policies were the right ones for the country. I mean, they each defended their position and each position had its merits.

There has been a great amount of relief in throwing all my attention and excitement into the election versus constantly worrying and wondering about P. Deep down, I feel like I am laying the foundation for an exit strategy. It’s almost as if I know what’s coming and so, I am finding other interests…


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