The Break-Up Journal: Absurd clarity

September 20—Dreams of being in the wild; dreams of furniture piled high in a warehouse.

Yesterday was a calm day. The drugs worked well. I stayed off the LA forums, and made sure to say that I would be back soon. I just felt like I was not living anymore, living in the moment. I was becoming too enmeshed. Dolores came over and cleaned yesterday. The house looks nice. But it’s cold. I am completely bundled up in my warm PJs. P call around 2:30 before the wedding (why he went to NYC) and we chatted a bit. We were both happy. He texted me at 9-ish to say good night. I didn’t text back.

I tried meditating a bit last night and it did a little good. I felt calm and centered. I stayed on the Quitnet reading old positive posts from my library, and then, I got into a little trouble looking up old boyfriends and friends on Google. I think I found my very first boyfriend, and get this, I found Paul’s sister Joanna. That was by far the biggest surprise ever. I almost let her go, but then I changed my mind and made contact. I hope she passes my hello onto her brother. It’s been 11 years since I last spoke to him.

In the shower I had a moment of absurd clarity, perhaps a premonition or just paranoid thinking: P does not love me and he’s going to dump me. Perhaps for Alana. I’m just not his type. He loved the sex while we had it, but it’s just missing something for him. It made sense. It would certainly explain a lot. But, out, out, out, of my brain. I just don’t want to believe it. I don’t know know why I have such paranoid doubts all the time.

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