Ready for a little tough love? If so, keep reading. It’s time to gulp down a huge dose of reality–something most of us take like a mushy tasteless mouthful of eggplant parmesan  (my most detested dish, by the way). But here’s the reality you need to face: He’s not the one. He’s not your savior.

There, I said. Now you need to understand it.

Someone you love, in a manner of words and actions pretty much just told you “I can’t stand you.” He left you. He leaves you all the time, if he comes around at all. He’s most likely hooking up with someone else right now too. He does not want to be with you the way you want him to. And so…NONE OF HIS BEHAVIOR is indicative of love. It’s indicative of an unavailable, uninterested guy who is not giving you the courtesy of saying, “Look, I’m only in this for the occasional sex.” You don’t get that courtesy. Ok? Life is unfair.

So, my question to you is this: How many slaps across the face will you take before you realize you need to summon your Super Girl superpowers and zap this clown into space where he belongs.  I know you think you love him. But, this ain’t love. It’s desire. It’s neediness. It’s a fantasy. It’s an urgent, desperate need for validation. It may be based on some sweet things he did, or some great memories you both shared. But it’s not love. Love is shared between two people who care a great deal for each other, who respect each other and who love each other deeply and mutually. When it only comes from one source (you) it’s not love. It’s la la land. And so, when week two or three rolls around and he comes back knocking, texting, sexting, whatever, PLEASE don’t forget the scraps he fed you and the neglect you incurred. Don’t only remember the great sex or the fact that you both have the same middle name. That wasn’t a sign from the Heavens. PLEASE, gently remind yourself that you only want him back because you’re scared to death to live your life, you haven’t yet learned that validation is worthless when it comes from others but everything when it comes from you, and that this person is about as useful for you as a bag of stinky clams on hot summer day.

You deserve better than this.

Once you suck down that reality, it’s time to focus on something far more important than whether this guy is “worth it or not.”  He’s not. Trust me. Instead, focus on what is worth it. YOU. Want YOU with the same passion and degree of love that you wanted him. Want you with the same obsessing appetite. The same I-can’t-get-enoughness. You are a whole, sacred, unexplored world filled with oxygen and teeming with life. You are your own adventure. So, stop kicking yourself to the curb and sweeping yourself under the rug while hurling all your beautiful energy into some unavailable, useless black hole.

It’s time to redirect yourself. Rebuild yourself. What kind of a person are you? Are you happy, peaceful, loving, giving, respectful, dignified, kind? Or are you angry, struggling, needy, greedy, disrespectful, and mean? Are you all of these things? None of them? What’s your favorite color? What wakes you up at night? What scares you? What–other than a man–makes you smile? What chases you back to the warm cocoon of the past? What pulls you forward? What can comfort you other than the hurt and rejection from this guy? Or any other like him?

Forgive yourself like you forgave him. Chase after yourself. Love yourself. You are the first in line. You are actually a far better investment than he could ever be.