The Break-Up Journal: Jealousy

September 10—I’ve been overwrought with suffering over P and his fucking part-time job at the supermarket…over his finances…over all the excuses he comes up with to avoid seeing me. I only get two nights off per week and surprisingly, he’s scheduled both those night. I only get one full day off. And surprisingly that’s the day he needs to nap. Who naps on the only day their girl friend is available?! He does. Shit. I never see him anymore. I feel like he’s constructed a wall to keep me out. And yeah, I take it personally. I can’t stand it.

I dreamed of dating him and then dating DH and being quite confused as to who I was actually dating and who the better guy was for me. It’s very confusing to understand, but, a lot is bothering me and it’s hard to put it into words.

I went to the gym yesterday and the workout really kicked my ass even though I bailed out early. I did loads of work and then my eyes hurt and I had a horrible headache. I talked to P late. I had fallen asleep and he called twice on my house phone and twice on the cell. Finally, I felt so bad, I picked up. He gets nervous, I think, thinking I might be out with C or something. I feel a little ashamed at the fact that I secretly like his jealousy. It’s the only real emotion I seem to get from him. I guess that’s what this has amounted to. I’ve cashed in all hope of love for jealousy.

Bottom line is this: I need to know if I have a right to complain about his job or, if I’m overstepping my boundaries. Maybe I’m not being patient. Or maybe he really is putting up a wall. I either can’t tell, or I refuse to see the truth. I guess we’ll find out when the temporary job is over and something else takes its place. He’s so hard to figure out. Life is so hard to figure out. Do I want to wait that long?

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