In love addiction, we know only intensity. Intimacy is for the pros. It’s for those of us who have decided hard work is more important than an impulsive, fast, feeding-frenzy of what we call love.

Intimacy has a price. It costs time, love, respect, kindness, friendship, forgiveness, courage, and more time. It’s first paid for by the Self. And then paid again between two people. Both are responsible for payment. Its value is the direct result of the amount of investment made between the two owners. It’s rarely about kissing or sex or getting our immediate needs mets. It is patient and slow and is created by the heart and head together.

Intensity, on the other hand, is cheap. Almost anyone can afford it. It doesn’t cost time, love, respect, kindness, friendship or courage. It can be paid for with impulsivity, fantasy, sex and more intensity. It’s flimsily constructed and doesn’t last. It is often mistaken for intimacy, but like any well-made rip-off designed to fool most people, the difference lies in the cost. It costs almost nothing, we often receive its reward quickly and then often, not always, we pay later in regret, pain and shame.

Love resides in intimacy only. It does not reside in intensity. However, intensity can and often does reside in intimacy.

Ask yourself which one you’re working for. Which one do you have now? What is the price you are paying? And don’t be fooled. Pain is not the price for intimacy. Hard work, pride, self love, understanding, knowing yourself, facing your fears, facing your responsibilities, growing up. These are the prices you pay for intimacy.