In love addiction, we know only intensity. Intimacy is for the pros. It’s for those of us who have decided hard work is more important than an impulsive, fast, feeding-frenzy of what we call love.
Intimacy has a price. It costs time, love, respect, kindness, friendship, forgiveness, courage, and more time. It’s first paid for by the Self. And then paid again between two people. Both are responsible for payment. Its value is the direct result of the amount of investment made between the two owners. It’s rarely about kissing or sex or getting our immediate needs mets. It is patient and slow and is created by the heart and head together.
Intensity, on the other hand, is cheap. Almost anyone can afford it. It doesn’t cost time, love, respect, kindness, friendship or courage. It can be paid for with impulsivity, fantasy, sex and more intensity. It’s flimsily constructed and doesn’t last. It is often mistaken for intimacy, but like any well-made rip-off designed to fool most people, the difference lies in the cost. It costs almost nothing, we often receive its reward quickly and then often, not always, we pay later in regret, pain and shame.
Love resides in intimacy only. It does not reside in intensity. However, intensity can and often does reside in intimacy.
Ask yourself which one you’re working for. Which one do you have now? What is the price you are paying? And don’t be fooled. Pain is not the price for intimacy. Hard work, pride, self love, understanding, knowing yourself, facing your fears, facing your responsibilities, growing up. These are the prices you pay for intimacy.
3 thoughts on “Intimacy or intensity?”
Wow, just wow. This spoke to me so much, I just don’t know what to say except thank you, for now. Grateful for your profound insight.
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So so true! Thank you for that reminder. I had been addicted for many years to a man with whom I thought I loved and who I thought loved me. But it was exactly what is described here. It was all about the passion and how great the sex was. I went back and forth with this person for over 10 years. In doing so, it kept me from finding true passion for myself in work I love and meant to be doing. I am in a graduate program now discovering myself through hard work and discipline which I was avoiding by being in lust and fantasy, with something that was going nowhere and only making me emotionally sick. Through lots of letting go and being willing to go to the deep dark part of my sou,l I emerged the butterfly, the butterfly who will never need to avoid myself or intimacy again for the sake of a “great high”.
Thank you for always sharing your great insight into this ‘other” addiction, which keeps people discovering who they are!!
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