As a favor to one of my readers and as a measure of helping others better understand the harshness of this post, I want to set up a disclaimer: This post was written for me at one of the lowest points of my love addiction. It may perhaps come off as self-abuse. Tracy, why are you being so harsh with yourself? It may even be seen as a representation of how submissive I can be, yelling myself into understanding recovery. But the main point is that it worked. OK, so I needed to hear this at a time in my life, so as to get over what I considered petty behavior. I believed that if I stopped thinking my problems were so disastrous it would help to put things in perspective for me. The bottom line message that I needed to “get” was that we all need to remove our egos from the equation of our suffering. If we stop and think in term of ourselves as being a part of a bigger picture, connected to all other souls on the planet, we tend to see our own personal suffering as something smaller and more manageable. We stop acting “childish” and going after immediate gratification and pleasure (removal of pain) and start to adapt to the idea that every creature on earth suffers and extracts pain from life. In this way, we are able to keep our suffering in perspective and resolve our struggles more maturely. I tend to need a wake up call from time to time to get me to this point. So…I am offering this wake up call to you as well, if you need it. You may find my tone offensive but it worked for me. Hopefully, it’ll work for someone out there too. And if not, then read this post as one of my many attempts to heal and work on my own personal struggle with LA.
xo
STOP!
- Stop complaining and whining about your miserable life. There are adults in the world whose children have been kidnapped and sold as child warriors who are brainwashed to kill. There are people in India who are experiencing famine, death and drought. There are men, women and children in this country who are starving, living on the streets, scared and lonely…So what if he doesn’t love you. Get on with your life.
- Stop obsessing. You are obsessed because you want to be. Because you’re bored and have nothing else to do. Find a life, a hobby, a career. Get un-bored. Trust me, you’ll stop obsessing when you start living!
- Stop being so hard on yourself. Just because one guy doesn’t like you, doesn’t mean all men don’t like you. that’s insane. Get real. You’re a good human being (unless you’re not!), so stop it with the pity party.
- Stop complicating things. It is what it is. When someone loves you, it’s pretty black and white. They show it. Love isn’t a guessing game. His one text to you last week is NOT love. He could care less about you. MOVE ON. Stop trying to make it out to be bigger than it actually is.
- Stop being a wimp and get real. So you’ve been dumped. So you’ve lost your man to another woman. So he’s not into you. Who cares! Move on. The more you linger around trying to figure it all out, the more time you waste.
- Stop holding on to his memory. You have better things to do, like LIVE and find someone who really appreciates you.
- Grow up! Recovery is about MATURITY. It takes a mature individual to not only get the concepts of recovery but to apply them as well. A child lingers and whines about his or her lot in life. An adult changes things if he or she is dissatisfied.
Girl Rebuilt 
hey how are you?
I had to read what you wrote a few times. I couldn’t quite work out how it sat with me. I mulled it over and turned it around.
I definately agree with what you say in a manner of speaking. However I just can’t stand the way it’s worded. It seems to lack humility and come from point of view that is aimed at inducing shame in others. Like if you shout at them loudly enough they will hear you. It’s horrible.
Im intensely surprised.
I qoute ” stop whining about your miserable life” sorry but what gives you the knowledge and insight into how it feels to be someone else? I know LA addicts who have experienced depths of suffering in events in thier lives that I hope and I pray I never touch. who are you to assume that an LA isn’t going through very real trauma?
yes it COULD always be worse, but suffering is relative. Please remember that. Your dictatorial tone is just plain offensive.
Recovery may well be about maturity ( I don’t think thats is completely true at all) but who are you or anyone else for that matter to set the bar for how ‘mature’ people are. some people may NEVER recover from LA to the extent you have. Does that mean they are just not as MATURE as you?I don’t think so. In fact your comments are actually childish.
what you have written reminds me in places of the book ” he is just not that into” but with out the nice bits.
Funiyl I believe this came from a good place.I actually don’t think it is meant in the way it comes across, hence why I hope you will read what I say with objectivity.
I have always liked and admired you. You exude a strnght of character and kindness.
I notice you say you don’t take critiscism well so I imagine you will be angry at my response, fair enough. Im pretty angry reading what you have written.
Take care and best wishes.
M
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Hey Tracey,
thanks for the sweet and measured reply.
I’m sorry if I sounded very harsh.
I did think that this is was something that you had written to yourself and certainly ‘sensed’ that. However it was not explicitly clear. As a writer I know that as soon as you make something public be it a list to ‘yourself’ or not , you are opening it up to public commentary. Your blog is yours and at the same time it is not. This is the beauty/ugly side of the internet, writing etc I feel.
As I said I do actually agree to a certain degree with what you were trying to say 🙂 I just didn’t like how it was worded. Also in so much that this is your personal blog, poeple who are vulnerable will read it, and to a certain degree you have invited that.( you say some people need to hear this so I am assuming that this is soemthing you accept) If you meant it to be purely private then it would be in a book in your bedside table.
It is because it is public that I felt compelled to comment, and I actually feel that your reply to my intial comment makes it more well rounded and personal, it is more obvious what you were trying to say and I really appreciate that. Thank you for explaining yourself.
I don’t doubt for a minute that you have suffered and I don’t doubt that someone in the world right now is suffering in physical and mental ways niether of us can possibly imagine. I feel that I have good levels of empathey but I do also feel that to expect an individual to perpetually perpetrate ideas of others suffering in thier heads as a means to recovery is unrealistic. I think your right though, recovery and self esteem IS about viewing ourselves as part of a greater world and a member of humankind, it is important to learn to take the focus off ourselves and undertsnad the universal nature of suffering. ( mmm am I contradicting myself??! 🙂 ) So I reiterate, in this instance for example I agree with what you were saying, I just found it poorly worded.
Funnily enough I didn’t take it personally. I am very very lucky to have left LA behind. I know some peole feel you never recover, I have had a life changing experience and I have. I am also aware that sadly this may just not be the case for some people.I don’t belive they are not trying as hard or are any less mature then me, not for one minute. I’m just not sure it works like that.
I agree the question of maturity; is too much to cover in such a small space. I guess I just find it odd… to say someone is being childish is to treat them lke a child, it is a negative attack, it is not empowering.Therefore you are perpetuating the very idea you are trying to get people to discard?!!
You are probably right there are some people this will suit and some it will not. I am happy to accept we have different approaches.
I like you referance to your Italian heritage it again makes what you were trying to say more tangible and personal thank you, I also have family in Italy so I understand 🙂
Lastly as odd as this may sound I do not think you shoud not have written your initial post , firstly because it seems to me that our exchange stands as testament to good self esteem and recovery. we SHOULD be able to communicate like this, both of us have enough faith in ourselves to put our ideas across without becoming over wrought and emotional. Well done us!!
Secondly I feel that a blog, like any writing is like a piece of art. No one should ever be told to not develop their art. I feel privelaged to be able to read what you wrote even if I found it hard. In a way that almost makes it better.
I think your a lovely lady tracey,
take care
M
ps it most definately was criticism!! 😉
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