Moving away from the father


This morning as I was on my way to the gym, I heard an old song on the radio by Jerry Jeff Walker that reminded me of my dad. My dad loved JJW and used to play his tunes on his guitar all the time. Of course, the need in me to connect to my father became stronger at that moment, triggered by the song, despite that he’s been dead for over five years now. Thing is, my dear father was no where to be found. Not even in the man I was presently dating. Realizing this, an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness washed over me. You see, G and S and even to a small extend MB (basically all my PoAs) were all my way of staying connected to my dad. They all shared the same traits as my father: they were all addicts, they all, to a degree, neglected me, they were all (except MB) creative bad boys, they all frustrated me, and they all summoned in me that same sense of fear, loathing and awe that my own father did.

But since moving on and breaking away from inappropriate men and PoAs, I have severed a lifelong bond with my dad. This is hard to accept, but I must. I must accept it because dating a father figure is not in my best interest. It may have been if he were a good, caring father. But that was not the case. So…that being said, I am forced to redefine my ideal man, and I have done so in D. Or, at present, I am trying to consider him my ideal man. It will take awhile. Despite loving him and feeling passionate toward him, I still sometimes miss being neglected and having to deal with trouble. Sounds crazy, right? Well…I am growing in leaps and bounds this year and will continue to do so, and in that sense, I have come further than most women. Cheers!

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