So it has arrived. That point where the veil of love and perfection is lifted and we start to expose ourselves to each other. Where we can no longer hide behind the chemically-induced infatuation that the other feels for us and vice versa.
I’ve been overwhelmed and rundown and burnout and I’m actually complaining that the there’s too much pleasure in my life. How insane is that?
So, here’s the dilemma. Or rather, the crux of what is going on and why this huge, emotional regression on my part…
I am not used to love or intimacy or closeness like this. It’s very scary for me. I find such comfort in avoidants because I can LOSE MYSELF in them. They have problems that need fixing and so, I can easily spend my days obsessing over their problems and i never have to deal with ME. I never have to address the question of who I am and who i need to be to stand on my own. I never have to address the 500 pound elephant in the room. I am a caretaker. I took care of my ex-husband, I took care of G, I took care of MB and I took care of S. I am coming up short with D. He doesn’t need to be taken care of. The opposite, in fact, is true. He wants to take care of me. I simply do not know how to react to that and it makes me want to run.
I came to this conclusion after having been moved by a Ray LaMontagne song, “Let It Be Me.” It should be the caretaker’s creedo. When I was listening to it I came to the sad and confusing realization that I have no one to take care of– that my nature to “rescue” is not being met. And the only one that needs taking care of is ME. Shortly after that, I realized that what I am doing by pushing D away is that I am giving up on myself. I am giving up on the potential of something right and good. I am also giving up on work and grad school and who I am as a vital, producing individual. I am completely giving up on myself and I came home from the gym crying hysterically, saying, “don’t give up Tracy. Please don’t give up…don’t give up on love, don’t give up on you, don’t give up on work…Work it through…hang in there…this is YOUR moment to seize and to change.”
I have been focusing a lot on S too. He popped back in to my life, partly my own doing. Before D and I got serious, I sent S an email stating that I was dating again, but that I missed him very much, or rather that I was thinking of him. And so, in S’s indirect, extremely passive way, he’s kind of pulling me back in, without actually committing to anything himself. It’s hard to explain, but in his ambiguous way, he’s flirting. At any rate, because I have virtually no issues to lose myself in with D, I start fantasizing about S. Thinking that I love and miss him. These are true. I do love and miss him. But I know S is not good for me. Why then, do I continue to entertain the idea that he might be? I don’t know.
The bottom line is that I am feeling extremely exposed, and I do not like it. D and I were progressing so nicely, so deeply and I’m guessing a combination of intimate plans and work related stress just set me off– he’s coming for Easter to meet the whole family, we’re set to go to Nassau at the end of the month, he said he thinks he’s falling in love with me. I want all those things. And I think he’s good for me. But I guess I am fixated on a more immature version of love. I’ve never made it past (or rather through) the “negotiating stage” (see: Judith Sill’s book “A Fine Romance.”), EVER, except with Roberto via marriage (and there wasn’t much communication or negotiating going on there), and maybe George. But George was quite different in that we solved our issues by running away and taking long breaks from each other. When we’d come back, we’d be all in love again, but none of our previous problems were resolved. With S, I had hoped to get to the point of negotiating, but he ran away. He yessed me to death and i thought everything was going great. Only to bail out in the end. Non-negotiable.
I’m not quite sure what D will do during this phase, confronted with my insecurity. He seems a little whiny about it. A pouter. He’s taking it personally. How can I ask for time away when he has only a very limited amount of time to offer me anyway? Well, hell…I would probably offer you MORE time if it were during daylight hours, damnit. Can I help it if I am not a night person?
I wrote him an email today, below is an excerpt:
I have been having issues at work, thus another reason why I have been slightly withdrawn and ornery. But I won’t go there again, lest we cause more upset. What’s best is to sometimes not think, like you said, and just let it be. Everything always works itself out. I will say though (something I wish I’d said last night) that despite this new development of me not being as “accommodating” as before it doesn’t change my feelings for you or the fact that i still want to move forward with you. It simply means i am making an attempt (better late than never) to go at my own pace. I realize though, that much of a relationship is compromise and I do not expect to always have my way. But hopefully, we both don’t feel threatened by trying to reach a middle ground. Like for example, maybe Friday nights will be our late night/sleep over night and Monday night will be my time. Maybe we can still get together on Mondays, but I can have the rest of the night/morning to myself- like last night. And that’s not even including little visits and stolen moments in the afternoons or evenings that i so love with you. These are some concrete ideas that we can toss around. Yes?
Here was his reply: