On saying I love you and holding on to the Self

 I wanted to give everyone an update of where I am right now, and what I am currently dealing with. 

I started dating D mid-January. So it’s been about two months that we’ve been together as a couple. And here are some of the characteristics of our relationship:

  • We are both at a mutual level of “adoration” in that when I feel intensity, he feels the same. When I pull back, it seems he does too. 
  • We are both being cautious because we have both come from fairly serious relationships. And yet, there’s a certain amount of “let’s let things happen organically…”
  • We have not said “I love you.” This is big. I have said this too soon or received it too soon. We are avoiding it so far. I know now not to confuse love with feelings of “intensity” or infatuation. When I feel like I want to say it, I wait and it actually passes. 
  • We are both maintaining our previous lives as best as we can. I say “as best as we can” because when you’re in a new relationship there’s always a few schedule changes you end up making, or sacrifices of your own time you make to see the other. I’m not rigid though, and I am keeping things in perspective and not changing my whole life to accommodate. Little changes here and there. All in the hope that eventually things will start to pick up a new pattern and I will be able to relax again.
  • There are NO issues with drugs or cheating or lying or poor finances or anything else that was on my list of Must Haves and Absolutely Nots. It’s an AMAZING FEELING GIRLS (and guys!) to find someone that you can actually begin to trust because most of your values and his are shared. 
  • We are taking our time and just enjoying. There has been NO TALK of moving in, living together, marriage, kids blah, blah, blah…I tend to want clarification on all that right up front. I don’t seem to want it here. I actually trust that he’s not going any where…And if he did…I would be OK. 
  • I do miss my single life a little bit. I honestly can admit that because I worked so hard for it, that it has become a state which I miss slightly. I take that as a healthy sign. It almost should be this way. It tells me I am not desperate or needy for this relationship. That I could be OK on my own. 
  • I feel VERY loved. Without us ever having used the term, that is how I feel. He’s very engaging, always wants to see me, buys me gifts all the time, dotes on me, very caring, kind etc. 
  • We have never yet fought about anything. We only laugh and talk and spend really good quality time with each other. 
  • I have been taking Vitamin B6 to calm my PMS moodiness. So far I haven’t had any flair ups. 
  • I’ve kept drama out of the relationship. I haven’t cried in front of him (Oh dear God, I haven’t felt this way in so long and I have such intense feelings for you and...) None of that crap. It’s not that I’m cold or unemotional. It’s just that I am no longer a bag of unruly emotions! Wheph. 
  • I do NOTHING to save him. No saving. As much as I want to save in some circumstances, I stop myself dead in my tracks. He’s a grown man, I say…He’s a corporate lawyer for god’s sake. He can take care of himself!!!!!! 
  • We have not combined our lives in any way. No involving kids yet. No telling too many people we’re dating etc. We’re using the pregnant for 3 months rule before we tell people. 
  • Lastly, I still make time for ME. I still meditate, I still spend time with my kids. I still write. I turn him down on occasion. I need time by myself to recover, to heal, to stay focused etc. 

So… despite the newness I can say that things look positive and healthy. No extreme highs and lows. No massive, upsetting doubts. My only doubt would be not that he’s boring (as I initially thought) but rather, that he’s too into doing lots of stuff and going out all the time. I’m a very delicate, flimsy person. If I go out and party, it takes me a MONTH to recover. I’ve actually been sick for two days because we spent the entire weekend together and I only got 5 hours of sleep each night. Went to a party until midnight on Saturday and have been eating greasy food. I’m too old for all that!!! But luckily, he seems patient and understanding with me. 

Who knows what will happen in another month or two. I thought I was on track with S, this time last year. And I guess I would might still be together if he didn’t decide to go back to smoking pot. Actually, come to think of it, despite S and I not working out, I was on the right track…I just haven’t been able to see it until now. We so often think that being “healed” or “recovered” is synonymous with winning a good guy and/or having a stable relationship. It’s not. Sometimes, a true sign of recovery is getting out of a relationship and staying out and being happy anyway….


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