I am on the brink of realizing that I must be insane to keep dating the same kind of men, all the while hoping for a different result. This is a VERY hard thing to admit (either i, personally, am insane or my actions are). It’s hard to admit that i am not progressing as much as i thought i was. It’s hard to admit that despite the illusion of CHANGE, everything was virtually the same. Sure…there were subtle differences this time. I put up a boundary and kept it up- and kept drugs out of the relationship…but did i really, if he chose them over me in the long run? I didn’t run away (like i usually do), and i had the illusion of a better class of man.
But the true insanity of my actions was that i once again ran from one relationship into another and did so in COMPLETE DENIAL simply because i wanted that man. I was simply replacing my PoA (they were eerily similar) with a man who i could control a little better than the PoA and who i thought, well, they are exactly the same except new bf does not have the drug issues that PoA has! I was blindly wrong.
More insane yet, is feeling ashamed of my failure and for having been so blind….and for making HIM more of a priority than my own recovery and self.