bad day #2

I had possibly the worst night of my life last night. It was completely EMPTY. Phone never rang. No emails. No knock on the door. Truth be told that is my own personal hell. And what i seek to avoid at all costs. But i got through it. And i am still alive (ugh…). 

Anyway, the story is that the ex bf is done with me. End of story. Period. This is hard for me to handle, so I am reverting back to the old bf (who i affectionately call my person of addiction!). Though he is not what i want for myself in the long run because of several pretty big issues (he smokes pot too, denied me sex during our relationship and is too independent), he ALWAYS takes me back. He ALWAYS loved me and still does. And we have ALWAYS really gotten along pretty well as best friends or friends no matter what. I really don’t think i am attracted to him in that “way” anymore, but I know that he is attracted to me in that way so in order to bolster my self-esteem (and because i enjoy him) i seek him out. 

As far as the family goes, i love them all and always felt very close. I think they truly wish G would settle down and marry and because we have been together on and off for almost 4 years, they just believe that we are both meant for each other. I wonder about this sometimes myself. But then snap out of it really quickly when i recall the ISSUES. 

Anyway, my point is, i’ve been keeping my boundaries up with him and i’m not so sure i am addicted to him anymore in the traditional sense. I think i just simply enjoy him and need the ego boost– if only temporarily. I truthfully don’t think i am “addicted” to anyone right now. I am merely trying to heal from this gross feeling of rejection and reaching for straws. I don’t yet have the strength to recover completely alone. 

I have that NEED for love and i have that nagging sense that there is a VOID in me. That is what i am struggling with now. Believing in my own wisdom that there is no VOID– it is only perceived.

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