After the break-up
Now that I definitely know where I stand (partly because I choose to stand here and partly imposed upon me) I have decided to set goals for myself. I am sharing them with you all in hopes of expanding the learning and understanding….
1. I need to (or would like to) redefine or simply re-examine my type of man. I think this is crucial. Sure, I want the bad boy with tattoos and the cool heart of a serious lover. I want that “look” of sexiness and individuality or as I used to describe my ex, that “urban intellectual.” And yet, I also want a family man. A man capable of loving and accepting the realm of family LoVe. A man who is not afraid of the mini-van and the children and the fact that i have a life in the suburbs. A man who can handle reality. I am a very real woman. He would have to accept flaws, not perfection. The list includes all the usuals too (most of which i believe my ex had: kindness, creativity, intelligence, laid back, unique, stable etc.)
2. I need to start to view myself in a more realistic light. I am NOT a grunge girl, or a hippy chick. I cannot relate to people who do drugs (whether addicted or not). I just don’t GET IT. I need to really ACKNOWLEDGE my success as a woman and stop settling for men way below my socio-economic level who have little or no ambition. I need to really see my positives and my achievements and recognize that they play a HUGE role in who I am as a person. When you think you are nothing, you accept people who also think they are nothing. My ex was a beautiful person in many ways. Physically beautiful, spiritually beautiful. But he could not take care of himself. He couldn’t get his act together. I have to realize that traits like that play a huge role in how a couple love and respect each other. The better I know myself, the better able I am to pick and choose someone more suited to my level of experience and growth.
3. I need to refrain from contacting him. He does not want to make that mutual connection anymore so I must let him go. If he sends me an email, fine. I can respond as a friend. But the emotional-lover connection is gone. If he does reach out, I must place boundaries and not go back. I want this break up as much as he, and I must continuously remember that.
4. I need to refrain from getting closer to my previous ex. Even though, in the wake of my ex’s rejection of me, it feels good to be with someone who still loves me and desires me (in that way), I would be using him. I have climbed that mountain. I have overcome that hurdle. Despite his love, he STILL cannot give me what i want. He STILL has those 4 problems that drove me away in the first place. I need to maintain my boundaries. And remember my goals. Remember that every day i choose not to get involved with him it is an act of self-love.
5. I need to find a life–or better yet– I need to acknowledge that I have a life. Sure, by an outsiders perspective I look like I have everything. Beautiful kids, beautiful home, a career, an education, I have hobbies and work out etc. And yet…inside of me I am not fulfilled. It’s as if there is something more out there that I have not yet found. I either find something, or I make peace with what I’ve already got.
6. I need to not focus on him or the WHY of why he does not love me. It’s over. This kind of questioning doesn’t resolve anything. If I ask myself why I like Reeses peanut butter cups but not Three Muskateers bars the ONLY answer is preference. Period. I have no right analyzing HIM. Pointless. How is knowing that he is a narcissist going to help me beyond simply knowing that I dated him? I need to know too that not everyone will think I am the greatest thing that walked the earth. Oh well! Too bad. Get real. Do not take it personally.
7. I need to start to really live in the present. Do not wish for the future or wallow in the past. NOW is all I’ve got. Sadly, that means kissing the comfort of fantasy goodbye. Fantasy thinking (“I wonder if he likes me?”) is a In-the-Now killer.
8. I need to be patient. There is no rush when you live in the now. There is no hurry. Patience is a gift you give your heart. It helps you to realize that nothing can be rushed. Not the grass to grow or the flowers to bloom. The cycle of life brings all things forth in its own time. Patience also helps to abate “needing” and wanting.
9. I need to get in touch with what I love. Now is the time to embrace all those things that I can finally embrace FREELY…I can dance, let my hair grow, sing, wear ugly pajamas, not shave my legs…heck I can talk to myself if i want. I can be weird! And I am not going to be ashamed of what I gravitate towards. I don’t answer to anyone right now. How lucky. I am going to see that I am lucky. If I want to watch Lifetime all weekend or be superficial, who cares! I am going to be ME.
10. I need to not be afraid of the path I am now on. I am here for a reason. I have a choice. I can look at this as a disaster and try to run back, or I can look at it as a gift and move forward. I am going to try to choose to look at things positively. That I am learning something, becoming something….And I am going to use this time to really define my worth. To recognize my strength. To know that I am a fighter. And by all means, I am going to know in my heart that even though it feels as though i have lost everything– I still have me…