Falling apart

October 12

I made it through the whole night without bursting into tears. That’s progress. But i thought and i thought and i thought so much i felt my brain would explode. I thought of all the things he gave up, all the things he lost. And for what? He gave ALL that up for pot–or rather, nirvana. I simply do not understand. It is beyond my comprehension that he gave me up so easily. Isn’t one’s quest for nirvana a private one anyway, that cannot really be shared? Did the essence of who i am stop him from achieving nirvana and loving me at the same time? Couldn’t he experience both? Maybe my inability to understand this one facet of his being is the crux of why we are not together. But then i think, isn’t he so much more than just that? Didn’t i love all the rest of him?

At any rate…if he is no longer attracted to me or in love with me all that stuff doesn’t matter anyway. It just makes me feel so empty to think that our relationship was a lie. That he simply made a huge mistake. This thought hurts. It’s as if i want answers. Something more concrete. Like he didn’t like the way i dressed. Or my laugh got on his nerves. Or my hair was too short. Or i was boring. Or that i had a mini-van and lived in the suburbs. Or that i didn’t appreciate when a man wears sneakers with socks… Any answer makes more sense than the one he left me with. I mean, christ, we never fought. All we did was laugh and enjoy our time together. I secretly wish he’d say, “you were perfect, Tracy. I just don’t have the capacity to love.” That would be so easy.

But the truth is, I was not perfect. I invested too much too fast in him. And i pushed my Great Life down his throat and guilted him into attending all my family functions. And on top of all that, I demanded closeness and love and attention and affection– all within a timely fashion no less. I demanded all this from a man whose nature is to move slower than a turtle, who has little ambition or drive, who is content in his own skin, alone and not overly interested in intimacy or any long term, deep commitment. I expected too much too fast. “Accept me! This is me! These are my values! This is my family! Listen to me! Pay attention to me!” All my learning of love addiction and all my perceived recovery led me to go overboard.

And the poor man… Who by nature swims in a pool of his own self-centric thoughts, who fears living, who is timid and unassuming. I shook him to his core and said, “Love me in MY way, not yours….” I suppose I had little patience for his pace. his way. I wanted things to go down my way. I was so focused on being TRUE to me that i could not appreciate him for who he really was. I was instead focused on meeting my needs and having that perfect life. Oh yes, and making sure he made none of the same mistakes my last PoA did.

I think the pot was his only way out. Or so he thought. I really believe he tried so hard to please me that he ended up losing himself along the way. In the end, he figured pot was who he was. And pot was the only wall that protected him from me because he knew I would not accept it.

If only I had truly recognized what I was doing in my selfish rush to make him a part of my life. If only I had recognized my neediness on this deeper level. Not needy in the sense of demanding things, which, ironically I never did. But so needy that I became blind as to what the other person in the room is capable of giving or needing himself. I wish he would say that he loved me and loved my essence, but that I just demanded too much from him.

And he did try. I know he did. I did too.

But Tracy, you simply do not place so many demands upon a man like that. You should have know better.

I see a lot now and mostly I try to feel some sense of acceptance.
I now see that I was secretly aware of my true nature and how it was not what he needed. I blame myself for overlooking that. Yet, I do not blame myself for everything. And yet, there was and still is the hope inside that he loved at least something about me. That i wasn’t all bad. That i must have done something right.

At any rate, it is no longer my job to figure him out. It is my job now to know myself, to forgive myself for all the mistakes I’ve made and to love and accept myself, unconditionally. Can i do that? If it is the will of god i may be so blessed with that strength of character for which i have always dreamed…

On a side note: I do not (YET) consider him my “person of addiction.” I loved him. For the most part it was mutual and he loved me too. I am trying to accept that he let me go. I am not calling him or chasing after him and hopefully i will bear no torch for him. This, what you see now, (at least i think!) is the process of grieving and accepting my loss. But i am in constant awareness that this process can go from normal and healthy to ugly and addictive. Let’s HOPE that i am able to continue in my recovery and make healthy choices, despite being faced with this loss….

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