8 October—Groggy. overslept. I feel like I went binge drinking last night. I didn’t.
I’m not sure if I am in denial about this relationship. I am pretty sure I am. I spent the night begging and bargaining with God. Imploring the heavens to keep this man in my life. Truth is, I am settling for so little. And it’s crushing me. I started to fight for more and that’s when he retreated. It’s always the way. And so, since I keep dating the same type, it’s at this point that I need to cultivate a life outside of these men. Yes? When they decide to go soul searching or when they decide the relationship is too emotionally taxing, I need to head in my own direction and find something to do.
I dreamt all these people stumbled into my house and proceeded to have a big party. Thing is, everything around the house was broken. There were tons of broken instruments like ukuleles and guitars and drums. And I remember thinking that I desperately wanted someone to play the guitar for me but I had no instrument to offer them.
I thought yesterday was progress. P texted me in the morning and we had a couple of laughs. He wrote me back in the afternoon, asking if we were still on for Thursday. I asked him what he wanted to do on Thursday and he didn’t respond. As if “draw and quarter you” was too unpleasant for a text. I continued to beg God to save us. And I am still begging God.
But, today, I am asking God to teach me to let go, willingly, proudly, with compassion. Teach me to understand the needs of others and teach me to stop trying to constantly meet my own needs. Give people time to grow and express themselves. Love them for who they are, not what they give you. Don’t focus on him and his problems, focus on you and your problems. You have so many!
Do not live by virtue of his actions either. So little of what he says and does is about you personally. Do not live for his emails. Do not live for his texts. His calls. His visits. Suppress…suppress…suppress.
This advice is either spot on or completely misguided.
9:45 p.m.– So, God says, “You want to make a deal? You want to pay any price to keep this man?”
And I say, “Oh yes! Yes, I do!”
“How about pot?” God says.
I say, “Shit. Why did you have to bring that up right off the bat? That’s one of my values. I can’t have drugs in my life.”
God says, “Well, then?”
I say, “So, what are the conditions? Does he smoke once a year? 12 times a year? What?”
“No conditions,” God says. “He smokes wherever, whenever and however he wants.”
“I guess that means I’d have to accept the other stuff too,” I say. “No sleeping together, no stability, virtually no affection…I have to accept the fact that he’ll most likely never want to live with me or make love often…”
“I can’t do that,” I say.
“Well, that’s what bargaining is all about,” God says. “Paying a hefty price for something you want. You don’t want to be alone. You don’t want to be single. You got to pay the price with this one. Especially with this one.”
“The price seems too high. And,” I say, “I recognize that relationships are a negotiation, but some things are just too important not to budge on.”
“You mean your values? What you hold most sacred to you?”
“Yes,” I say. “Lord, I’ve tried to accept guys who smoke pot. It just never made me happy. And I just don’t think life would be worth living without sex and affection. Isn’t that asking too much?”
“I would say so. But, that’s what you would have to pay to keep this man. Now the product seems kinda not worth it, huh?”
“Ok,” I say, “what if I pay the price for the pot but then he gives me great sex, stability and we move in together?”
“I have a headache,” God says.
“I just want what I had in the beginning,” I say.
“Then, what you want is a new man, or rather, a different man, because this one is not capable of giving you those things.” God says, “he seems to be a sprinter and not a long distance runner, you know what I mean? And listen, you just can’t pay for a bird, get him home and then train him to be a fish. That’s not how it works. That’s not bargaining. That’s wanting an alternate reality.”
“You’ve got a point.”
“I’ve got another point too…did you know that you actually can find a guy who doesn’t cost that much? As in, you don’t have to pay such a high price for him?”
“I didn’t know that, and I kinda don’t believe it. I’m a wreck.”
“Go ahead. Say it. I know what you’re thinking…”
“What am I thinking?”
“You’re thinking, “Who’d want someone like me? I’m a failure. I’m nothing. I have two kids, a minvan. I’ve never done anything successful in my life….”
“I can’t believe it. Sad but true, I was thinking exactly that.”
Believe it. I’m God, for God’s sake.”
“So? Where does that voice come from inside me? The one you can hear? The one that puts me down and controls me?”
“Technically? Well, it comes from the amygdala, insula and ventral striatum. And some people think it also comes from the bilateral dorsomedial prefrontal cortex, but it actually doesn’t. But enough silliness. In a very human sense, it comes from how you build yourself. You build yourself with your voices. Some voices say, “You are courageous” or “You are strong.” Other voices, like yours say, “I’m nothing.” Neither the positive or the negative voice is real. It is just how you build yourself. Build yourself with different words. Re-shape yourself.”
“That’s powerful. I need to do more thinking. This could go on forever.”
“I’ll be here,” God says.