7 October: 3 a.m.—Dear God, I beg you, I don’t want to lose this man. I want him and I need him. And I will prove to you I can take care of myself and be independent. I will do whatever it takes, Lord, to be the best person I can be, but please, Lord, I want P and me to get over this rough patch. I want us to make love again and I want the wall to come down. And I want him to have faith in me. I want him to know that I am the right woman for him. . And I am, Lord! I am! Please, please, please, I beg you. Let him stay. Don’t put those horrible words on his lips. Let him see the light. That love is the answer. Not loneliness. Not isolation. Let us instead negotiate. We can negotiate a relationship. Can’t we? Isn’t that what people who love each other do? Why does it have to be so black and white? In or out? Yes or no? Please Lord, please. I beg you. Keep P in my life.
I promise I will grow up.
I promise I will not obsess.
I promise I will get a life.
I promise I will be more understanding.
I promise I will be less needy and selfish.
I promise I will wait joyfully
I promise I will expect less
I promise I will curl up into a small object and be as quiet and perfect and beautiful and giving as possible.