Back when I was still with C, I found myself constantly questioning whether or not I was doing the right thing by staying with him when so much of the relationship felt so wrong. I mean after all, he was “the one.” I’d been with him for three years and I’d loved him like I never loved anyone before and he said he loved me too! I honestly believed I had to overlook a few of his bad qualities because, well, that’s what you do when you are with your soulmate, isn’t it? You overlook the bad and try to stay focused on the good.
Thing is, the longer I stayed, the more I realized his bad qualities, while acceptable to others, were not acceptable to me. I couldn’t make peace with about four of his qualities. Just four! And yet, those four were hurting me. That’s when I became aware that my idea of “soul mate” was a little flimsy. You can love someone deeply, you can even have a lot of things in common too, but if certain criteria are not met (umm, he says he loves you but he’s not physically or emotionally available) then you may have to reevaluate your definition of “soul mate” That being said…..here are a few obvious signs that he might not be the one.
He’s not your Soul Mate if…
1. He left you.
Plain and simple. Your soul mate doesn’t leave you, even if he insists he’s never loved anyone more than you. Whatever the excuse, it’s just that. He’s not the one. When someone wants to be with you, when someone is right for you, they don’t leave you. They want to be with you, despite their circumstances. Period.
2. You left him.
We tend to leave people out of frustration because we cannot change their behavior, or as a threat to change. We leave people simply because we know or feel that something is wrong. And that’s a good thing. But people with unhealthy patterns of love tend to GO BACK. They tell themselves, “I have to go back, because he’s the one. He’s my soulmate.” But this is so far from the truth. This is part of your addiction to love not wanting to be alone. It’s your addiction telling you that the pain of staying is better than the pain of being alone. But, remind yourself this: when a relationship is right and good, it doesn’t inspire you to keep running away. You are most likely running away for a reason: this guy is WRONG.
3. He’s with another woman (he’s dating or married).
I have met so many women who fall in love with a married man (or a man dating another woman) and come to believe that the two are soul mates; that “he married the other woman because he hadn’t yet met me.” If that were the case, and occasionally it is, then you need to stay away from that man and his wife until his relationship is completely over and until he is free to date you. Soul mates are not married to other people. That’s Hollywood. That’s fantasy. And that’s wishful thinking. It’s trying to justify your behavior when truthfully, there is no justification for it. The reality of life is that when you have a relationship with a married or partially available man, you are an unwelcome intruder, whether you were lured there by the man or you went willingly, you are doing SEVERE DAMAGE to all the people involved, including yourself. So often we are so grateful that someone is paying us attention that we don’t care who or what it is. We’ll take the validation any way we can. Or perhaps we feel emotionally safer with a married man. There is less intimacy and emotional expectation, after all, from someone who cannot commit to YOU fully. Back to the drawing board, if you’re in this situation!
4. You’re with another man.
Oops! You finally met your soulmate but you’re married to someone else. But here’s the deal: this new soulmate of yours is probably mostly attracted to you now because you’re married. To him, you’re safe, and he doesn’t have to fully commit to you like he would have to fully commit to someone who was otherwise free. Soul mates are not married to other people. See above.
5. Someone is cheating on someone else.
When a loving relationship is right and good, no-one is cheating, no-one is lying. Cheating and lying are both ways in which people distance themselves from one another. Cheating does nothing to bring two people closer. Cheating is an immature act. It is based on the concept of immediate gratification (I want what I want and I want it now and I don’t care about the consequences). Adults can control themselves. Immature people can’t.
6. He neglects you, avoids you, doesn’t call, doesn’t write, text, etc.
Soulmates don’t neglect you, avoid you, or have a million excuses why they didn’t call. Not sure what that’s all about. But you deserve better than that. Normal, healthy men who are interested in you, call you, they want to see you and spend time with you. Don’t think otherwise. What you probably found is a classic Avoidant. And while avoidants sometimes have the possibility to have longterm, lasting relationships with people, they are typically really bad choices for love addicts.
7. He verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically abuses you.
If he’s “the one,” he is not abusing you in any way shape or form, and likewise, you are not abusing him back. Physical fighting and making up doesn’t count either. If he hit you once, chances are he’ll hit you again. If you are in danger, get out. You are worth saving. Enough said.
8. You’ve only met him online and haven’t even seen him yet.
It takes a long time to know and love someone. You may “click” with someone relatively quickly. You may be attracted to them right off the bat via a photo. But attraction nor clicking over the internet is a sign of deep love. Those things are superficial, and though they are a great start to a possible relationship, they are not a relationship. Talking for hours with someone you cannot see, hear, smell or touch is not healthy either. Good partners need to fully commit, in person, looking each other in square in the eyes, so as to enjoy the reality of their closeness. When we invest so much of ourselves so quickly in an online romance, without giving ourselves the most important gift of face to face meetings, we are doing ourselves a huge disservice. We are not being cautious or caring about the safety of our hearts. Take your time. Get to know someone. It takes months, if not years to fully know and love someone.
9. He lives too far away to have a normal, healthy relationship.
Long distance love affairs occur all the time. But in order for them to be healthy there must have been a foundation of physical closeness for the relationship to take root. A couple who dates for a year, for example, and then one of them is sent off to Iraq has a chance of success because the relationship has a foundation. But someone you met over the weekend, who was in town partying with friends and plans to drive the five hours back north to live his life? Probably not going to work unless one of you is willing to be a little closer. Then again, people who choose long-distance romances tend to do so because they want or need extra space. If you’re that type, know yourself! Because if you’re not the type to be OK with extra space, a long-distance relationship might hurt.
10. Either of you are heavy drinkers or drug users.
When someone is on drugs, or drinking, they are not exactly making decisions with a clear head (or heart). They are ruled by the drug. And so, their ability to determine whether you might be a good catch for them or not is heavily skewed. Add to that that they are in most likely in the process of numbing their emotions and their reality and you have a recipe for disaster. Falling in love under the influence, or to remain in a relationship with someone who is excessively under the influence is like falling in love with someone who constantly wears a mask. You’re never getting the REAL person behind the mask. And no matter how long you invest in getting to know them, you know nothing about them because they are only showing you a side of them that is disguised. And if and when they sober up? They may be unrecognizable.
11. He has a circumstance or situation which keeps him from connecting with you.
Soulmates may have skeletons in their closet, but they don’t have circumstance which keep them from enjoying who you are and what you have to offer. They are available. Maybe not 24/7. But a good enough amount of the time that you two can healthily connect. If, for example, he has a son that for whatever reason takes up all his time or a job that calls him to work 80 hours a week, or a hobby where, every free moment he has he spends it on that, chances are he may not be emotionally available for you. Don’t get me wrong. Men have sons, hobbies and work. But, if those things tend to be a constant reason or excuse for him not to spend time with you? He’s not your soulmate. People who love you, make time for you.
12. He only wants sex.
Sex is not love. If he’s your soulmate, he will love you and want to make love to you all the time. But that should not be the ONLY thing he wants. You have far more to offer, and the right man will recognize that and love the whole package. And please! Don’t be fooled by the sensation of hot, passionate, deep, meaningful sex. Any two people with chemistry and attraction can have that. If that’s all you want, fine. But that alone is not the basis for a healthy relationship.
13. He never wants sex.
If he’s the one, he will love you and want to make love to you all the time. Or, almost all the time. Or as much as you both need so that you never feel starved for sex. Libidos are tricky things. Some of us have strong libidos, some of us don’t. In longterm relationships this tends to be one of the biggest bones of contention. He wants more, she doesn’t want it enough. The trick in knowing if he’s right, is that he wants it about as much as you do, or he’s willing to gratify you even if he may not always be interested. If there’s zero sex for over a year and you’re not OK with that? He’s not your soulmate.
14. He comes right out and says, “I’m not the one.”
(Or a variant of that, as in, “You’re too good for me,” or “We’re not supposed to be together,” or “I don’t think this will work out,” etc.) Listen to him. He’s telling you something. Whether it’s a game or a manipulation or not. Take EVERYTHING he says at face value. Why? Because you don’t play games. Not playing games or falling prey to them will teach him quickly that whatever he says, he better mean it, because you will only communicate on a fair playing field where things spoken are as they are meant to be. So, don’t overlook his comment and think, “he doesn’t know what he wants,” or, “maybe he secretly wants this…” That will cause you to get embroiled into a certain manner of communicating that is dysfunctional. And let’s be honest, if he doesn’t know what he wants or if he can’t communicate to you what he wants, maturely, then he either needs more time to grow up (on his own) or he’s simply not the one. Your soulmate knows what he wants.
15. You have to chase and stalk him.
If you have to chase after or stalk or watch someone, they’re not the one. This is harassment. It is trying to force a relationship with an unwilling or unavailable person. As one website explains: “Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantingly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have).” Stop stalking. You are better than that. Someone will love on your terms. But you must first put the energy and effort into loving yourself.
16. You’re the only one giving 100% in the relationship, all the time. Although good relationships are not always fifty-fifty, like we grew up believing, they’re not hundred-zero either. They’re not even twenty-eighty. But they do fluctuate more closely in a healthy range of give and take. Balance is the key.
17. Everyday seems to be fraught with suffering.
Love is not suffering, despite Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights, Doctor Zhivago or Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Novels and movies may romanticize the pain and suffering of love, but in reality, there’s nothing romantic about real suffering. Our lives are not little movies. We should never expect suffering for love to be normal or healthy. Suffering and pain are signals that there is something very wrong or that “desire” outweighs the value of a healthy relationship.
18. You just met him and this is your first, second, third, fourth, fifth or sixth date.
You cannot possible know if someone is “the one” right off the bat. Sorry. Cannot happen. You can certainly click with someone. But a deep, healthy, loving relationship is a lot more than a “click.” It develops over time. It’s a process. And to know if someone is “the one” or not takes many months, if not years.
19. After months of dating him, something doesn’t “feel” right.
Or after a few dates, if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t! Listen to your instincts. They are there for a reason. They help guide you. As bad as you want to be in a loving relationship, it’s more important to listen to your gut.
20. He comes with red flags.
Plain and simple: he’s not the one. Keep in mind though that a red flag is not “snores at night,” or “constantly blows his nose” or even “doesn’t dress in the latest fashion.” These are not red flags unless you are completely superficial. A red flag is “has a history of cheating,” “lies a lot or a little,” “never calls when he says he will,” “does drugs,” “still lives with mom at age 40,” (although some may not think this is a red flag) and so on. There are also blaringly obvious red flags (he’s a meth addict, child molester, he’s in jail, etc.) and then, there’s your own personal red flags, things others may be able to deal with, but not you (he smokes pot occasionally, he’s 40 and never been married, he plays video games incessantly, he doesn’t make enough money). Despite the fact that person A may think all of those things are red flags, person B may not. Whatever the case, know your red flags (what you cannot handle!), and if your guy’s got ‘em, he’s not the one!