September 4—I nearly lost my mind yesterday dealing with my sons who were so wired and disrespectful and not paying attention. Even P was pissing me off by evading me, and if it weren’t for the fact that he was working so hard with all those crazy genealogists until nine at night, I would have ignored him. But, we were both stressed and both admitted to needing a hug and then later, when we calmed down, he texted and said, “Good night, kitten,” and I said, “Sweet dreams, buttercup.” And that was that.
The truth is, P was playing with Liam the other day and he put him on his shoulders. This disturbed me greatly because P, during one of our more intimate moments, confessed to doing something about a year or so ago that probably would have set any normal healthy woman running in disgust but which didn’t seem to affect me at all. Until the other day. I told P that putting Liam on his shoulders like that was not allowed; it made me very uncomfortable, based our prior conversation. He became hugely embarrassed and said that now he was uncomfortable, and how dare I not trust him.
“I’m not accusing you of anything,” I said, “It just makes me feel uncomfortable.” I floundered. Actually, I am accusing him. Fully warranted too. But, then, all night I felt rotten about bringing it up. And yet, I SHOULD NOT. I am protecting my son. What kind of mother would I be if I ignored this? I feel guilty for not trusting P, and yet, P needs to earn my trust and that apparently is taking longer than expected. God, what is wrong with me?! This shouldn’t even be an issue! Don’t touch my child, but don’t close off to me. Don’t give up on me. Be your perfect self you were on day one. Am I asking too much? Am I simply over-reacting?
My suspicious mind and neediness is working overtime again. I hate this. I suggested he come over for dinner tonight and while it was relatively easy getting him here (he loves food), by the end of the night when I tried to kiss him and fool around, his pushed me away. His heart wasn’t in it. Truthfully, if someone confronted me with what I confronted him with, I wouldn’t be in the mood either. And I guess he was good about it. But then he said he knows he’s not giving me what I deserve. But, he is! It’s just this extra time at the grocery store, these late night shifts, that’s all. It’s causing me to feel so detached, like we’re not in a normal relationship.
Tomorrow will be our seven-month anniversary. Please Lord, let us continue to grow closer and deeper.
We’re supposed to head down to OC with the boys this Saturday night. I have to wait until then to see what happens.
Taken from: The Break-Up Journal