There’s a reason love addicts are attracted to sex addicts, avoidants and narcissistic types. What do all these types all have in common? They offer very little in the way of true intimacy, and that, my friends, is something a love addict cannot handle either.
Instead of focusing on the sex addict, the avoidant and the narcissist, focus on yourself. Ask yourself this very difficult question: if I crave the intimacy of a relationship so desperately, why is it that I keep going after people who cannot give that to me? If I crave an ice cream cone, why on earth would I go to find it at the hardware store????
Love addiction is a paradox. It is not about love. It is about avoiding the self and avoiding true intimacy (with yourself and with others). At least sex addicts and avoidants can recognize their intimacy disorder. It seems that many of us can’t. And yet, we are the same. We are opposite sides of the same coin.
Don’t be fooled by the “love” in love addiction. There’s not much love in a love addicted relationship. What is there instead? Fear (of abandonment), need, desperation, drama, pain…
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Girl Rebuilt 
Whoa. First time commenter, 2 year reader. First, I want to let you know that your view, your writing and story have been the most helpful to understanding this pattern that I have, formally called Love Addiction. I do get thrown by the phrase. For me, it requires a sentence long phrase to get the concept to transmit: Sticking To Someone and Forcing a Relationship Even Though You’re Miserable Addiction.
You’re the only one speaking about this in a way that actually reached me, and gave what I’ve been doing since I was 14 a name.
No Love in Love Addiction. If that doesn’t cut to the heart of it I don’t know what ever could.
It was my response to the abuse I’m in process of accepting and taking responsibility for, meaning standing up to. I have this life, I don’t have conventional stories and relationships. I have a very high ACE score. But I’ll be damned if I give in to reacting to my childhood as a lifestyle, rather than leaving that all behind as scars that empower my love and commitment to the Truth.
I spent the majority of my life in hurtful relationships, self harming, not knowing how in the world to take care of myself. Lowering myself to turn someone around, that they would finally love me. It had to be someone for whom that would be impossible. An extension of how I grew up.
I’m in recovery now, have been for the last year and a half. My voice is coming to me, i’m finding my way to loving myself by taking care of myself.
Your work is part of the menagerie of meaningful, Truthful work that I’ve been turning to to get better! In Gratitude and Respect!
-Blue Fox
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Blue Fox. I’m sooooo happy for your new found strength and courage and self-care. And I am soooo happy to be part of that journey for you. Your last line is such a huge compliment, and I am humbled. Hang in there. Keep reading. Never give up on yourself. And thank you!
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This article has put a new spin on my recovery. Your articles are another layer I needed spelled out. This really puts my obsessing on pause. No how do I start self love, what am i to do now.
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Do you really think sex addicts and avoidants are aware of their fear of intamacy? Find a sex
addict and you will find a love addict. Find a love addict and you will find a love avoidant.
They are all one in the same.
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I agree! And no, I don’t think sex addicts, love addicts or avoidants are aware of their fear of intimacy. I know I wasn’t. I thought because I wanted “love” and sought out relationships all the time that I couldn’t possibly have a fear of intimacy. Oops! I was so wrong.
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I am an experienced psychologist and I have seen that the term “avoidants”, “”sex addicts” and “commitment phobics” et c are just pop psychology words for Narcissists (of varying degrees) and the poor suckers they dry out are supposed to be “love addicts”…
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