If you think I give a lot of advice in this blog, you should see me as a mom. I dole out advice like a factory conveyor belt lined with Peeps at Easter. And one of the best responses I always seem to get in response to all my wise advice is “I know.”
You need to wear a jacket, it’s cold out.
You shouldn’t hit your brother.
You were supposed to take the trash out.
My kids say “I know” to almost everything. They know it all! It’s become a knee-jerk response to a question they know the answer to. And yet, in reality, they plan to do or have already done something else entirely.
Love addicts often have the same response. We know what’s right, but we tend to do something completely different.
You shouldn’t stay in a relationship with a man who hurts you.
Don’t go crawling back; have some dignity.
Stay away from bad boys.
Oops! So, if you KNOW all this stuff, why do you still do it? If you KNOW you are worth more than scraps, then why aren’t your actions proving that you know this?
I’m not sure I have the answer, but I do know (I know!) that better health comes when our words and actions sync up. When we stop with the childish response, “I know.” Who cares if you know! Don’t just tell me (and don’t just tell yourself) that you know, PROVE that you know by your actions. A head full of “knowing” but not “doing” is fantasy. In recovery, we need our actions to be louder than our “I knows.”
2 thoughts on ““I know!””
Thanks for a great blog, it has really helped me in shedding light on my issues as a love avoidant!
You wrote in a comment a while ago that while some healthier people can cope with and love an avoidant partner, a love addict and a love avoidant should AVOID each other. Two emotionally crippled people do not a happy relationship make.
My problem is that my wife fits the profile of a love addict and I the avoidant for the most part.
She has been controlling (jealous), harsh and threatened to leave when I have tried to talk about our issues in the past numerous times in the past.
It is only recently after I managed to break the destructive cycle that she realized how negatively the cycle has affected me. She says that the threats about leaving me and accusations she made were in the heat of the moment, but as soon as I (because of my fear of being abandoned) surrendered she felt like the relationship was good again. She often won the arguments and got her way, I however felt worse and worse in our relationship since I kept violating my values because of MY fears of being left alone and my feelings of low self worth. I didn’t fully understand it then but I see it now. Better late the ever I guess..
She always has been the one that pushed the relationship forward and my doubts have gotten worse with time to the point where I’m not attracted anymore and dislike her breath and irritated at her a lot of the time. I have had doubts in the back of my mind for almost 5 years now..
We have been together for more than 6 years now and have a kid together so splitting up isn’t our first option.
It feels great finally being honest with her and my self and that she acknowledges the problem, but can we fix this? We have signed up for marriage counseling and I have read that couples need to resurrect their feelings they once had, but what if you started out partly for the wrong reasons? When we met she was married and had very different values. I think that made the love avoidant in me partly chose her.. I feel that we are so different and the differences where exiting in the beginning, but now they seem surmountable..
Any advice is welcomed.
Hello Love Avoidant,
And thanks for the read. Hope this blog helps. My first advice is, don’t believe everything you read (I guess that includes from here, as well!). Thing is, couples can rarely if EVER resurrect their feelings they once had. The past is the past. End of story. If your marriage is to be salvaged it will be from new feelings you both have towards each other, hopefully based on new values, not the values either of you had in the past. Unfortunately, I cannot answer the question for you, “can my marriage be salvaged.” Some can and some can’t. Write down your values, figure out what they are and what’s most important. She would need to do the same. Sharing this list together is a great first start. Remember too, that values can and should include ways of communicating. You both need to be on the same page, at least most of the time. The nice thing is, you have time to figure this out. THere’s no rush. Explore your marriage, be honest, give it your best, and see what happens. Hopefully whether you stay together or not, you will both come out cleaner, healthier, more loving people.