What do I mean by that? Well, would you expect a baby to talk? Of course not. Would you expect a fish to walk on two legs? Pure silliness. And yet, everyday, we expect avoidant people to be intimate and close, we expect people who clearly are not showing much interest in us to be interested, and we expect love from a source that is incapable of loving us.
When we look at people and accept them for who and what they are, it means giving up unrealistic expectations of them. For years I dated (or married!) men who were avoidant and the entire time I was in the relationship with them I expected them to be in love and attentive and treat me like men treat women in the movies. It wasn’t that my expectations were high. It was that I had set unrealistic goals for this particular person, who could not meet my higher expectations.
But I thought we were supposed to have high expectations of being treated well and good!?!?!
YES! We are supposed to have high expectations of being treated well and good—BUT FROM THE RIGHT PEOPLE. You cannot expect a man who has a track record of cheating on all his girlfriends to suddenly stop cheating once you’ve come along. Your expectations will never be met. But you can have high expectations for YOURSELF that you will not date men who cheat (and if you don’t find out until later into the relationship it means that you don’t stick around and demand they change; it means YOU LEAVE). See the difference?
Set high expectations of and for yourself, and expect them of people who can meet them. Otherwise, you are basically expecting the impossible.
How to keep your love addiction check: if you have reasonable and basic expectations of all people, i.e that they will treat you with respect, that they are kind to you, that they do not hurt you physically or mentally, that they do not lie, steal or cheat from you, then apply these same expectations to your partner. If he/she can meet them, then you may be able to reasonable expect that he or she will meet higher expectations, if you two embark upon a romantic relationship. If he/she cannot meet these basic expectations, then it’s time to move on. Why? Because these expectations are basic!!!! They are the bottom level of expectations. They are the bare minimum. If your PoA can’t meet them, he surely cannot meet higher, more demanding expectations. And here’s something too: if he cannot meet them and you stay anyway–no matter how much you gripe about it–you are telling him by your actions that he DOES meet your standard, which of course, in that case, is very low.