From time to time I read about people’s longing for “closure,” that moment where your ex gives you the opportunity to ask questions, get stuff off your chest, find answers and basically help transport you to this emotional place, free and clear of longing now that you ‘ve had that moment.

Here are my thoughts on closure. I hope you’ll add your own:

1. It’s pure fantasy. Most of us never get the opportunity for true closure, and those that do get the storybook moment almost never feel real resolve afterwards. You know why? Because there are always more questions! And there are never enough answers. True closure, when you expect it from outside yourself, doesn’t exist. Once again, you are depending on him to be something he cannot be, and do stuff he cannot do.

2. It’s not something someone gives you, like an opportunity to “understand the truth.” YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. You just don’t want to know it. And you don’t need him giving you one more thing. He’s done enough, don’t you think? Besides, has he really been all that honest with you from the get go? What makes you think he’s willing to be truthful now? We give closure to ourselves. Period.

3. Break-ups are messy. They oftentimes make no sense;  and they mostly have no definite beginning, middle or end. Most of the time they are MYSTERIOUS and we will never know WHY they happened, let alone why they didn’t. We need to be OK with not knowing everything. We do not have a right to the secrets of the universe. And trying to find out WHY, only seems to antagonize us more. Letting go is less complicated and more dignified.

4. Expecting closure is for control freaks. No offense. I was one of them. But think about it. It’s like expecting to read people’s minds, or know about death before it happens. Impossible. And the whole “I have a right to know why you dumped me,” line? Ahem, you actually don’t have that right. You wish you did. At best, you’re lucky if your ex will let you in on his reasons. But chances are, he doesn’t even know himself.

5. Waiting for closure is yet another excuse to HANG ON. We’re so scared of letting go. Why? Ask yourself, what’s the worse thing in the world that could possibly happen to me if I just walk away and never looked back?  Letting go is a risk worth taking. Trust me! Not only does it give you the freedom to find someone more appropriate (I know you don’t care right now), but it also gives you much needed time to focus on YOURSELF as opposed to the relationship. Hello? Don’t avoid or neglect you (didn’t he do that?) Give yourself everything he was unable to give you, and more.

So practice a little zen, and just sit with the discomfort for a while. You make your own closure. You are in charge of your own happiness. You can even create your own answers. Whatever works. But depending on someone or waiting for someone else to give you that feeling of satisfaction is pointless and irrelevant to the struggle within you. You determine your own course. No one else.

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