I had this dream last night, which kinda started out real dreamy. D and I were trying to find the perfect house—one with enough bedrooms for all the kids and enough space where I could have an office and a room to retreat. So, we somehow end up at this huge house, completely decorated in a style similar to mine—black and white photos of Paris on the walls, big red velvety sofas in the library, and bedrooms galore, each with its own bathroom. Who knows where the owners were! Away on vacation, maybe. So, I start covering beds and cleaning up a bit, as if we were planning on simply staying a night or two. Once I put the kids to sleep, I start wandering through the house and come upon several hidden rooms, all of which make me desire the house even more. The next morning, the owners come home. The woman in particular is a blond and she’s angry. But she’s impatient to sign the papers and get rid of the house.

D and I are all for it and he starts signing. As he does that, I walk around the house in awe of how beautiful it is, and how much of this woman’s stuff she’s willing to get rid of. I greedily hope to possess it all. And the more I look around, the more I am shocked that she even wants to leave. There must be something wrong.

After the papers are signed and she leaves, a wild storm comes upon us and shakes the house. Pictures fall off the walls. The floor boards rattle, walls collapse. We all start running through the house to look for cover, when I come to a part of it I’d never seen before– the back– which looks out over a huge body of water. In the distance, I see a tsunami-sized wave approaching and all I keep thinking is “D had to have an lake front!” and “No wonder that woman was so quick to get rid of this place!” From across a shaking room, I say to D, “Can we get out of the contract????” And then I woke up.

When I told D the dream this morning he asked, “What do you think it means?”

I said, “Not everything’s perfect? Trouble in Paradise?”

He didn’t respond, and went about pouring his coffee. I didn’t pursue a conversation on it either. Maybe it was a bit mean of me to say that. But the truth is, I have been feeling overwhelmed lately with the idea of moving. I mostly want to move, and in my dream of dreams, it’s a better house than this one. But then I have a dream like this and it shakes me to my core and makes me realize that, subconsciously, I am terrified of losing everything I worked so hard for and I don’t want to undervalue my own possessions. The grass may not be greener.

And yet, a move is inevitable. I almost have no choice. This house is far too small for us. And so I think, life is all about change, adaptation and re-adaptation.  And sometimes we need to let go of things that haven’t harmed us, so as to search the unknown for something new.