Feeling a little insecure tonight

OK so…I hope everyone made it through the holidays. WE’RE ALMOST DONE WITH THIS COMMERCIAL NIGHTMARE!!! Anyway, me and the lovely D had an awesome first Christmas; loving, warm, familial. He sent me flowers (so unexpected), gave me a beautiful card, and got me a nice fluffy new bathrobe. We had Xmas eve together with my friends and family, and he even stopped over my mother’s Xmas eve and spent a couple hours.  But last night, (Xmas night) while over at my mom’s, he told me, rather casually, that his ex came over for their Xmas dinner celebration. Basically, his parents, his sis, his kids and his ex wife had Xmas dinner together.

I understand that ex-wives still have relationships with their in-laws–I do. I have a very good, loving relationship with mine– but I guess I found it odd that D was there too, having dinner as a whole family unit, albeit for the sake of the kids. To me, that would be like if my mother invited R and I over for dinner together, despite that I was dating D and he was dating A.

I also understand that this is their first official Xmas apart and that no one has boundaries yet or knows really what to do or where to go. Everyone needs time to work out their new “place” in this new life. But the thing is, she left him for another man, cheated on him and filed for divorce. Now suddenly, “for the sake of the kids” she’s dining with his parents and HIM! Am I jealous? A little. More than anything though, I am just feeling insecure. I DO trust him. This has come up in conversation before and he has literally no feelings for her anymore. He’s done. And besides, he’s loves me immensely. I know this. And yet, at times, possibly because I don’t have kids with him, I feel like I am part of a polygamist marriage, sharing him with his “other” wife. In fantasy-land, I don’t want him to have a relationship with any other woman but me. In reality, I must share him. I suppose that could be a blessing in disguise. If she is around, he will always be reminded of how crappy his life could have been. And he is usually always renewed with love for me, after having dealt with her. But instead, he’s been run down and tired and cranky. Probably because of all the drinking, food and caffeine we’ve both been doing. It has been A LOT. So, I’m not getting the D I know and love.

Anyway, I asked him if everything was OK (if we were OK) without mentioning anything about his ex or how weird I think it might be. He said, we are wonderful and that he loves me very much. He’s just tired and cranky. I have to trust him. It’s hard, because I am not used to trusting anyone. But it’s a risk I must take. Besides, the longer I think about it, I believe I have to just bite the bullet on this one and let time smooth things out. He, after all, comes with baggage. We all do. I just hope I can handle it, that’s all. And more than that, I hope I can always maintain my own sense of self and self-confidence in the face of what’s in store.

Earlier, to feel better about all this, I found an amazingly atypical site with famous quotes put together by a woman with craniosynotosis and a great sense of expression. Some of these quotes I had never heard before and so, I wanted to share my favorites with you…

The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness. –Eric Hoffer, The Passionate State of Mind

Don’t expect happiness. You won’t get it; people let you down. … In the end, you die in your own arms. –Nancy Marchand, in The Sopranos

The secret of contentment is knowing how to enjoy what you have, and to be able to lose all desire for things beyond your reach. –Lin Yutang

Freedom is what you do with what’s been done with you. –Jean-Paul Sartre

None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. –Johann Wolfgang von Göethe

Don’t surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
–Hafiz, “Absolutely Clear”

DO NOT SUFFER FROM LONELINESS. Go outside. Go away. It’s all the people making you lonely. Pick a spot on the horizon and head straight for it. Weave your way through a stand of redwoods. Kayak an island chain. Peer over your toes at the edge of a canyon. Go to your favorite place. Again, and again. This is what you need to do. Not just because it fuels your independence. But because it reminds you you’re a part of something bigger. And although it may not occur to the baffled onlookers who can’t take their eyes off your smiling mud-covered wired-up insane self, it will occur to you: You aren’t the one who’s lonely. –from a Nike ad

Loneliness is dangerous … because if aloneness does not lead to God, it leads to the devil. It leads to the self. –Joyce Carol Oates, “Shame”

Loneliness is the clearest of crystal insight into your own soul; it’s the fear of one’s own self that haunts the lonely. –Keith Haynie

Astonishing the way the world can tilt on its axis and yet people continue to walk upright, to go about their days, eating their dinners in restaurants, making their plans. –Debra Dean, The Madonnas of Leningrad

A strange thought: I would not want this not to have happened. Because if I escape I shall be a completely different and I think better person. Because if I don’t escape, if something dreadful happened, I shall still know that the person I was and would have stayed if this hadn’t happened was not the person I now want to be.
         It’s like firing a pot. You have to risk the cracking and the warping. –John Fowles, The Collector

In times of crisis, the heart either breaks or boldens. – Honoré de Balzac, La Recherche de l’absolu

In reasonable measure, hope sustains us. In great excess, it distorts perceptions, dulls the mind, corrupts the heart to no less an extent than does heroin. –ditto

Everything is a miracle. We just have to recognize it. –Federick Fellini

It is much more sensible to be an optimist instead of a pessimist, for if one is doomed to disappointment, why experience it in advance? –Amelia Peabody Emerson

Nothing is ours except time. –Seneca, Epistles

To know you have enough is to be rich. –Lao-Tzu, Tao Te Ching

I try to teach my heart to want nothing it can’t have. –Alice Walker, The Color Purple

Merry Christmas to All!

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