I’m dating again.
I so wanted to wait six months. That was my plan. But it just didn’t work out that way. Here’s the story:
So there’s this friend of my brothers, we’ll call him D, and I’ve known him for at least 15 years. Or rather, I shall say, I have known of him. According to him, we’ve crossed paths many times. But I recall only two. One of which was back in June. We were at the funeral of the mother of a mutual friend. And I sat with his wife and chatted. I don’t think he and I even said hello, but he shot me this look and I swore it burned a hole through me. It was filled with everything a woman recognizes as lust and attraction. But I was dating S. Uninterested. And, mostly I was just thinking, jerk. What is he doing staring at me while he’s married? But in August, a friend told me that his wife left him and they were divorcing. It was shocking. To everyone. They’d been married 12 years. Had two small children. He was/is this very accomplished lawyer, with this big house on nine acres of land and a beautiful family. Heck, his wife is beautiful. His ex-wife. That’s the backdrop.
So, I’m going along in my life and dating S and then, of course, the dreaded end comes in the beginning of October. I’m crushed and hysterical and I go around deleting all his photos and all my connections with him, including my “relationship status” on Facebook (gosh, it sounds so juvenile). And unbeknownst to me, everyone finds out that “Tracy is no longer in a relationship with S…” But anyway, a day or two after that, D makes a connection and starts commenting on stuff. I will have to say that FB was a lifesaver for a while there. It was a huge, safe distraction for me and kept me from losing my mind. It’s writing-based, so I spent loads of time safely and happily crafting status updates, writing “notes” and posting ridiculous, but oftentimes thought-provoking articles from places like Viceland or the Onion in my free time.
I suppose it’s rather easy for a person’s personality to shine through a social network like that– and so…as I went about the daily ritual of healing and recovering I found some solace in expressing myself and, simultaneously, satiating my voyeuristic tendencies by lurking around others’ profiles. Bottom line: D and I started passing notes back and forth more so than usual.
It was at a snail’s pace, mind you. And then one afternoon, he mentioned something about needing to exorcise his “lust for crazy women.” I was personally offended when he said that (not because I am crazy in the I’ll end up stalking you kind of way, but because I am “considered” crazy in the wild, free, creative, abandoned sort of way), and so, I simply said: “you need to rethink that comment.”
Obviously, I opened the flood-gates and our private messages from then on became longer and longer. Until finally, we decided to meet. He invited himself over, actually. He brought wine and dessert. And I cleaned my house and set out a tray of cheeses, olives, grapes, etc. Note: I would NOT suggest having a man over your house on the first date. The only reason I did was because he has been connected to my family for many years and he has a very good reputation as a family man, a responsible man, a trusting man.
We talked from seven until four-thirty in the morning, with a little fooling around in the end. It was nice. But there were no fireworks. It felt safe. Comfortable. I was happy. I could have done without the heaviness of emotion in the end. But I was curious and so…we kissed.
After that Friday, we tread carefully. We wrote blandly. No one mentioned anything for a couple days. And then, we discussed the possibility of dating “seriously.” This is important: we both agreed to NOT date seriously. It’s too soon. Neither of us should be committed in any way and if anything, we should simply ENJOY each other.
I’ve actually never told a man to keep dating other women. But that’s what I told him. I don’t think I’ve ever been so blase. But more than anything, I have realized how much I VALUE being single. How much I value my life as it is– as I have built it to be these past four months. I don’t want to lose that!!!! Not only that, but there’s this buzzing in the back of my mind that tells me to leave him alone. He was married for 12 YEARS. You don’t want to interfere with his recovery process. It could take him years to get over that. You’re only “transition girl.” Let the man be. The other thing is– I’ve only “seen” him once (up close and personal). It will take me a very long time to feel comfortable in front of him. And who’s to say I will feel comfortable? The next time I see him I could be like, no. This isn’t for me.
Being single and free gives me the option to back out. I’m not locked in to anything. How nice. I mean, I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I also don’t want to hurt myself and be led some where I don’t want to go.
I don’t know how I feel about him.
I don’t know him.
I have little expectations of this working out simply because I am the way I am.
I am not on the rebound.
I am not filling any “void” as I do NOT see us living together or marrying or any of that heavy stuff.
I am not apathetic or damaged or trying to get out of my life with G (which was pretty much where I was when I met S)
I am not rescuing (maybe I might be a little)
I am not at an unstable or dependent point in my life where I have a “need” for him.
And the only thing I feel completely unsure of and weirded out about is that he doesn’t give me that extreme HIGH I get from bad boy musician-types (see Nathan Followill). Though, I have heard through the grapevine that this is a good and safe thing.
He is very much my type in that we share a love of writing and reading, travel, the same music, sports and fitness, family values, both well-educated, etc. On the flip side, he is very much NOT the usual I go for: he is a professional, he’s a family man, he’s been married for 12 years, he has children, he’s a homeowner, he does a lot of community service, he’s good with his finances, he’s responsible, he dresses well, he goes to CHURCH (this could be a problem)…BUT, he does, in fact, play drums and guitar (just not out at some dive bar for money).
Like I said, I would have liked to have had more time alone before getting involved. But it’s here now and I need to deal with it and enjoy it for what it is. I may change my mind next week. Anything could set me off on a path back into myself.
The good news is, I am OK with that. I am OK because I have tools that help me get through the rough patches. I have a better understanding of who I am and I have dreams that extend past what any man can give me…