When I was 20 I moved to Paris, France to study and write. It was the only time in my life that I was truly me and alone and without a man and as happy as can be. But I traded Paris in for a much smaller life and for bad relationships and I sold my soul to the devil. If I look my life along as a graph, I was climbing high in Paris, reaching my goals. And after I came home, the line sharply drops and I seem to give up.
Of course, I cannot think like that now. I have to convince myself that the route I did take had its value. I have two beautiful sons, a home, a family. But I have no career and I’ve spent a lifetime depending on men instead of me.
At any rate, I wanted to share this ridiculously corny poem that I found in my journal from June, 1989. Many of my friends that I’d met in Paris were traveling or leaving on holiday and I was left behind in Paris, alone, trying to figure out the meaning of this huge loss and aloneness.
Une poeme
When does it start?
When life falls apart
And you struggle to make it again.
Who is my friend?
The Lord till the end
So never let go of his grace.
Where is my place?
It’s inside your faith
But will die if you give up your dreams.
It’s so hard it seems.
Oh yes, indeed.
But you must always continue the climb.
And if I fall behind?
My dear, take your time.
There’s plenty of days for change.
And if I don’t play the game?
You’re only to blame.
Living begins when you try.
And if I should die?
Then at least my dear friend, you will know in the end
that you tried to reach for the sky….
Girl Rebuilt 
1989, my favorite year 🙂
Anywho… this poem reminds me of Tupac’s poem “In the event of my demise.” It has the same energy/feel. The lyric:
In the event of my demise
when my heart can beat no more
I hope I die for a princeple
Or a belief that I had lived for
I will die before my time
Beacause I feel the shadow’s depth
So much I wanted to acomplish
Before I reached my death
I have come to grips with the possibility
And wiped the last tear from my eyes
I loved all who were positive
In the event of my demise
In the event of my demise don’t shed no tear
I’ll share my wisdom with the world, they’ll know I was here
Know I was clear, every thing I said I ment
A outlaw, when I was born they prepared my ditch
Said I won’t live long, statistic show
I’m tryna past 24 realistic goal, listen though
You gotta stay cold inside
That’s what I tell myself when I feel alone sometimes
But I can’t cry, I don’t tear no more
I love god, so death I don’t fear no more
I part take in this movment to better my people
Though they see me on TV, I tell them we equal
Don’t look at me as a stranger, I’m one of your own
We was raised in concrete and grew as a rose
Still I rise, but never get a chance to fly
Mama please don’t cry
In the event of my demise
In the event of my demise
can’t breathe no more
hope I die for a principle
something I lived for
dying before my time
feel the shadows of death
Trying to fulfill all my dreams before I reach my death
came to grips with the possibility
The world’s killing me, and my soldiers die young with no sympathy
I wipe the last tear from my eyes
I loved all who stayed strong
In the event of my demise
If I should die before I awake
let my family be straight of the money I make
Give my son, what he needs, other than his father
Is it self respect, better yet his honor
when the lord come to swallow my soul, it’s so big
Cause the street took enough of my life, we all see
It’s a cycle make you feel psycho
Everything struggles behind this man, see nobody love you
Got a piece of the streets and it’s gonna die with me
may your, soul forgive me
Makaveli’s within me
In principle we stand by stronger than power
We gon’ die by the rules you can never devour
On the earth from my birth felt nothing but pain
only thing I ever gained was a baby to name
that’s my heart, and if I should go I’ll go on in the sparks
that’s the event of my demise, and it lurks in the dark
[Chorus]
Now as I stand here, a man here
Not a perfect one, but a searching one
Seek in another, blazing time
Sound crazy but I’m actually tryin to escape my mind
Tryna erase in time
but hoping that you didn’t notice
When i was at my lowest
Although I knew they was watching, I couldn’t stop it
So many things I wanted to accomplish
Too many dreams, wasted with no promise
From out the darkness I struggle to see the light
Rumble deep in the night
Hustlin with all of my might here
Some won’t see it that way
But us is given praise
But all of them will prayin’
That I did it my way
In the event of my demise
I was born to a storm that won’t let up
And I was raised to stay brave with my head up
But thing ain’t got better
We still gettin wetter in this bad weather
I need more than a sweater and a leather
Yo, ain’t nothin ment to last forever
So the stuggling and the suffering ain’t gon’ last forever
And my will, probably be like two lines long
It will read I’m dead but my soul lives on
And my spirit still living though my body is gone
In the event of my demise I love all who stayed strong
I love all who stayed strong
In the event of my demise, com’on
In the event of my demise
when my heart can beat no more
I hope I die for a principle
Or a belief that I have lived for
I will die before my time
Because I feel the shadow’s depth
So much I wanted to accomplish
Before I reached my death
I have come to grips with the possibility
And wiped the last tear from my eyes
I loved all who were positive
In the event of my demise
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