Just me

I am a firm believer in the buddhist principle that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. No regrets. I am 40 and i was RAISED on self-help books. I grew up going to AA and al-anon meetings. Had my dad been Dr. Phil, this STILL would have been my path. i am at a point in my life now where i am simply making peace with all the ugliness inside me (so long as i am not hurting anyone). It’s not that i will not try to be better every day, but just like i’ll probably never “get” math, I will probably never “get” relationships either. That’s a scary thought for MANY of you here on these boards. Everyone has hope that they will be NORMAL one day. But i’ve found that my “way” isn’t as scary as i once thought. 

i will never be normal. i will never respond to love and affection the way “normal” people do. And i am starting to really be OK with that, instead of trying my hardest to be something that I am not. I no longer wish to fit into society’s vision of what LOVE is. 

I am NOT advocating falling a part, acting out, stalking, remaining in an abusive relationship etc. etc. Every time I meet someone i have hope just like anyone else that i have a shot at love and happiness. But if it gets ugly and falls a part, i hope i will go easy on myself and say, “you did the best you could this time…” instead of berating myself for being something that i am not…yet….or ever will be.

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