Something in me shut off. I am filled with either anger and hate for S or apathy for G. I want both men out of my life. I’m done. I have been crushed enough. I have been hurt enough. I feel like I’ve been a sucker and a fool. I feel shame. And I lack dignity.
With S dumping my stuff off the other night and then the exchange with G the other day regarding sex (he turned me down. I don’t EVEN know why I asked!), I finally feel as though I hit the lowest point ever. And I simply want to be left alone.
When G called yesterday, I ignored it. But then he kept calling back so like the sucker I am I talked to him. He apologized and said, I do love you. I was just having a bad day. So, I accepted his apology and asked if he wouldn’t mind building a fire for me and the kids. He did. But I couldn’t wait for him to leave. Every time I looked at him I was angry that he was not S.
Once he left, I was angry at S that he left me.
I thought of this guy I’ve been flirting with at work. More disgust. I’m at the point of complete DEFEAT.
Now it’s a matter of survival. Rebuilding from the bottom up.
Why do we make our WHOLE lives center around these seemingly minute happenings? Why can’t we stay focused in recovery and simply abandon the ridiculousness of these men with whom we are addicted? Is this the disease? And does recovery from this, imply that we refrain completely from obsessing over men? Talking about them? Thinking about them? Until I figure it all out, I am closing my doors and thinking ONLY of the basics: food, water, shelter, er…Love…doh!