So…I’m bored yesterday and dreaming up dreams of the future and thinking of this new guy (lawyer, cute, recently divorced, been flirting with me for a couple weeks now etc.), and despite the fact that i’ve only been broken up with my ex one month, i thought, heck, why not dream of someone else for a change. At first, I was quite happy to even be thinking of moving on so quickly. YOu know how it is: you play it all out in your head, the flirting, the meeting etc. Everything seems so exciting. Oh the possibilities! Oh the fantasies!
Then suddenly, out of NO WHERE, out of the blue, this crushing pain overcame me with such intensity that I literally fell to the floor weeping for the loss of my ex. I was paralyzed. And all the hope of moving on to greener pastures flew out the window. I was almost angry with this poor unsuspecting new guy…like, how dare he tread on sacred ground that still belongs to S.
Of course, i soon realized that despite my emotional vicissitudes and unwanted insight, i am simply not ready to move on– at least not yet. But! I am getting there.
In fact, today, I recalled my state of my mind before me and my ex split and i was getting very frustrated and disappointed in the relationship. I was beginning to see things clearly– that S was not as perfect as I hoped he’d be. So…today, i have greater perspective.
Overall though, i wish to God i wasn’t so obsessed with men in general. There’s a whole WORLD out there and i want to find other interests. These are my current goals (always setting goals for myself!)
-to be back in grad school by next Sept. and FINISH (i had to drop out over the summer due to work and no funds)
-to be able to fill my brain with more important stuff other than MEN
-to maintain my sense of Dignity
-to continue running despite my bad knee
-to find a second job
-to finish writing something i’ve been working on for 5 years.