Here I am again playing devil’s advocate with myself. I believe I have been in this mess because, mostly, I have wanted no other life for myself. I did not realize I had will power. I did not realize I had strength. I BLAMED everything on other people. I did not take responsibility for my actions nor was I ever determined to change my behavior.
Sure i wanted to change. Sure I wanted the pain to go away. But how?
I hoped for the best. Always “hoped.” I depended on my fantasy world because I did not realize there was a better way. I kept repeating bad patterns of love because I was foolish and REFUSED to believe that i had it in me to change. I refused to be patient and give myself time to heal. I sought refuge in other people– in men. I knew no other way.
i was uneducated.
Did i have will power? No I did not. I had hope. Was I determined to change bad patterns? Not really. I was hopeful that they’d change on their own or that i’d meet the RIGHT person, never realizing that i had it in me all along to do the work of change.
God gives you the same problem over and over and over again until YOU learn to fix it. Well i never learned. Not because I have a “disease,” not because i am “powerless,” but rather, because I was a d**n fool for never realizing how much power i had inside me to make my life better. Because i had the wrong tools. because i wouldn’t listen to reason. Why reason when there is LOvE?
i never realized that i was capable of loving myself and of demanding better for myself. I never realized these things NOT BECAUSE I WAS MADE THIS WAY OR BECAUSE I AM POWERLESS OR DISEASED. That is too easy– an excuse– We all have disorders, we all have abnormalities in the way we function. I cannot blame my behavior one day more on “powerlessness.” I was responsible for my own actions and was a very irresponsible person. I knew I had to love myself in order to see change, but I did not know how. Is that powerlessness? Or is it lack of education? Give me the right tools and I can fix the problem. I didn’t have the wrong tool all these years, I had no tool.
So then…what have I done to change my behavior in order to be a better person? I have finally taken responsibility for my actions, i have read and learned how to LOVE without suffering. I have climbed mountains in my brain and heart and I have come to the conclusion that the only way to recover and break bad patterns is to be CONSCIOUS of them and to no longer be so wishy washy– to be determined and to have will power.
How is it that people become presidents, religious leaders, scientists, astronauts, despite the odds that they fight against?
i do have a God watching over me, but my God is telling me to start realizing the power that i possess to change my life. He says to me, I cannot save you. But i can give you the tools to save yourself. And so I finally have a hammer and a nail and the educated mind and the will power to know what to do. I already see a change. I am already feeling the benefits of this new sense of self love and power.