28 September—What did I write last night about an exit strategy? God! I think it’s time. I think I need one. I just can’t take it anymore. I mean, believe me, I’m not as upset as I could be, thanks to the Prozac. And yet, there is something disturbing about a guy who won’t sleep with his girlfriend every chance he gets.
We had a great time yesterday at the farm. It’s not that we didn’t. And the kids really enjoyed themselves. But the second we got home and kids went to bed there we were with nothing stopping us from kissing or touching or having sex other than P’s excuse that he had to go home to take care of his dog. He was so happy today too. And playful with the kids. I am actually beginning to think he likes my kids more than he likes me.
He says things like, Oh yes, I totally understand that we need to be close. So, then, I asked him if he’d given any thought to what I said about trying to spend at least one quality night together every week. He fumbled. He didn’t really answer, and then I repeated the question. He finally said Monday or Friday. But, wait, you work both of those nights??? So, then he says, We’ll see. I’ll ask my boss. Ask your boss what? If you can take off a night here and there to see your gf? What a horrible solution to this mess. What’s most likely is that he’s putting me off and not making this a priority. And let’s be honest, if he really is planning on asking his boss, that will take months.
Then we had a brief discussion about having a baby again. He gave me a vague, noncommittal response. Almost as if to say (which, I actually think he did), I’ll handle that one on my own. His excuse before was that he couldn’t raise his niece and have a family of his own. That’s ridiculous. And I said so. To that he responded, but you and your kids are all under the same roof. And then I thought to myself, I don’t even want another baby! He’s the one who’s been wanting to have a baby. Now that I am letting him know that it can be a reality, he’s suddenly filled with excuses. Ugh.
Basically, he was squirming under the pressure of commitment. The thought of leaving his safe, enclosed protected world is too much for him to bear. My world is far too threatening for him.
You know what I think? I think he basically wants another Alana. He wants a “bestie” without any of the responsibility or intimacy. Well, I don’t want to be her.