The Break-Up Journal: Renewed Hope

12 September—Friday used to be my favorite day of the week and now I hate it. I am alone and lonely.

I went to the gym yesterday and then to the diner to say hello to C. I gave him a hug and it lasted longer than it probably should have. But I always loved hugging C. He was only slightly taller than me, and just the perfect size. And it was nice being in the diner again. He made me my favorite salad and sat with me as I dumped all my problems on him.

But I really am over him. His incessant complaining, dirty clothes, long nails…Why I ever settled for all that I’ll never know. I guess the music and the good conversation won out. He’s been very respectful lately too. He doesn’t flirt with me like he did when I was with BM. I think he’s just resigned to the fact that I’m gone.

After that, I ran home, showered, dressed and went to my 1:40 OB/GYN appointment with my new favorite nurse practitioner. It was like a light descended upon me. I told her I felt like I was going crazy and that my brain was all messed up. One week I’m fine, the next I am a complete emotional wreck. She quickly pinpointed it exactly: “Two weeks you feel crappy, two weeks you feel great? Moody, irritable, on edge, no one can do anything right? You have PMDD,” she said. “You’re losing your serotonin.”

I thought it was just because I was losing my boyfriend, I told her.

“Take Prozac. Problem solved,” she said. “You’re just hormonal.”

God, wouldn’t that be divine? Because all my moodiness, doubting, suspicion and anger is causing serious problems in my relationship. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could just take a pill and P becomes the best boyfriend ever and I stop all my complaining! Prozac, here I come. Work your magic.

I picked the boys up from school and as we headed out for a quick dinner we saw C again getting air in his tires. We picked him up, grabbed some food, and I told him all about the gyno. And while he was super supportive of everything that’s going on in my life, there’s a line between us now that neither of us can cross.

Talked to P briefly. He was a bit mellow. I also gave him a rundown on all my latest news and how I feel renewed and hopeful that the Prozac will work. He was telling me about Jackie getting her tongue pierced and we were reminiscing about when his tongue was pierced. years ago. I vaguely remember. I probably wanted to kiss him. I still do. How I love him deeply. Even for all that I imagine him to be, and all that he is not.

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