Is the person you are addicted to still on your brain? Can’t shake him? Despite all the misery and havoc he (or she) has caused, is he still a “part” of you? Sigh. Of course he is! And he will be until you do what you fear most…kill the thoughts and let go.
Think of it like this: we carry our addictions around in our heads and our hearts so frequently, it gets to the point where our whole body adapts to those thoughts and we essentially grow a new limb, or more appropriately, a tumor. The person we are addicted to becomes part of us–a physical manifestation of who we are, an ugly, outward growth that wreaks havoc on our lives and our health (it works in reverse too, by the way. A healthy love helps you grow healthier!)
So…..any hope of changing at this point means drastic measures. It means surgery. It means severing the limb. It means slicing off the growth. That’s a hard thing to do, because guess what, at this point, it’s not like popping a pimple. Whatever measure you take to remove this thing, it’s going to HURT. It’s going to be MAJOR. Cancer doesn’t spread overnight, folks.
So, you have to ask yourself….is the growth that has formed on your body and soul jeopardizing your health? Your inner and outer beauty? Is it endangering your very existence? If it is, then the risk of REMOVING the GROWTH is worth the potential pain, if it means saving your life.
Recognize a bad relationship for what it is. Cancer! And then, take the appropriate action to fight it and get healthy.
Girl Rebuilt 
Excellent post and just what I needed to hear. I’m tired of my POA renting space in my brain. It’s time to let go and get on with my life.
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Nice!!!
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My gift to myself…removing this from my life. Thank you!
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I’m with you too, but I gotta say, it’s the how that is so hard. It has wreaked havoc on my health, and I don’t have any interest in having him back,, but I haven’t been able to let go of the betrayal and subsequent disappointments. And the obsessive thoughts keep coming back; anger, pain etc. I’m reading a book on forgiveness and doing some of the exercises, but any tips anyone has on cutting out this cancer would be much appreciated.
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You need to replace your current thoughts with healthier ones. To do that requires new activity. DOn’t just think you can “stop” the obsession. Obsession cannot be stopped. It needs to be replaced. Find something you enjoy–if only a little–and try to turn it into a passion. I did this with spinning (indoor cycling at the gym). I didn’t initially like it, but I kept going back until finally, it became a passion of mine. Good luck!
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Thanks so much for this. I have recently been doing research on different ways our thoughts manifest physically. I don’t think people realize just how much thoughts affect the very cells in our bodies. In a way it is a real DISEASE. I honestly believe that the negative thoughts about ourselves spread through our cells and can affect us in different unhealthy ways…I have been trying to replace my negative and self defeating thoughts as to re-train my brain. And yes, my POA is a growth that has gotten bigger and bigger, and NC for me is the surgery, but there is maintenance as well. Its not easy but its the only way to freedom for me.
-Redhead-
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I agree that thinking changes our DNA. SO…good for you for working to change negative to positive. It’s one of the best things you can do for yourself!
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what does POA stand for?
Point of Addiction?
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Person of Addiction
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thanks
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I love your blog…its just a life line for me. I am from India. My poa is cancer for me and i am fight to get healthy.
Main problem is that i always hv strong craving to contact him in search of old one whom i love. (but i don’t contact him)
but other half of me started hating him for wht he did to me. I want to let go of this, but hw i don’t knw. This hate n rage is frustrating me. Help plz
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An impressive share! I’ve just forwarded this onto a friend who had been conducting a little homework on this. And he actually ordered me breakfast simply because I stumbled upon it for him… lol. So let me reword this…. Thanks for the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending some time to talk about this topic here on your site.
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This blog has has hit home with me in ways no articles online have! I have just fully accepted that I have been in an addictive relationship for the past four years. The addiction goes both ways, but I have tried several times to leave and no matter how strong I say I will be….I always go back because of the guilt and because my partner was a master at emotional manipulation. I have gotten to the point of having anxiety and panic attacks because of the last four years have been riddled with physical and emotional abuse followed by those “honeymoon” periods. I finally have the support of my family to get out….I am living with them until my home closes escrow and I have a new secret place to move into. Thank you for this blog!
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Hang in there and keep reading and taking care of yourself. YOU are your best investment.
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Like Tia above, I’m stunted by the “how” and not the why. Yes, this is a cancer that needs to be severed, but what do you recommend to make such a radical move to eliminate the obsessions, comparisons, fantasies, projections, lamentations, machinations and misrepresentations of reality and the past? How do I stop my mind from turning to her at every possible signpost, be it a place we shared, an errant thought, or some lack in my life, a fear, fantasy or flash of a moment that I cannot seem to shake? I know I need to rid myself of the past and focus on the present. But even after a year apart, mostly consistent NC, and all the confidence in the world that I could never be with this woman, she still occupies my psyche to the point of obsession. How?
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Dropherlikesheshot (love the name!), obsession is a sign of inflammation in the brain. If you know anything about the way inflammation works in the body, or on a cut or bruise you know that while it may look ugly, it’s doing the good work of repairing and healing something that is either broken or hurt. In this case, obsession is the inflamation and YOUR ESSENCE is what is broken or hurt. To be a little more direct, know that we usually tend to obsess–even though the object of our obsession is long gone–because we are not willing or able to look at the reality of our lives and accept who we are. Obsession, fantasy and addiction, afterall, are perfectly designed defense mechanism that allow us to continue avoiding ourselves and our responsibilities. When we are obsessing there’s little time to do anything else, right? And until you are willing to figure out what it is that you’re afraid to face (being alone? finding a career? dealing with the reality of a bad marriage? Other personal responsibilities that you don’t want to face?) you will continue to obsess.
What helps the most is to understand that it’s not HER, per se, that you are clinging to. Just like the bottle to the alcoholic is not the driving force behind why the alcoholic drinks. It’s the sensation of being drunk. In your case, It’s the protection and numbness you are getting from the act of obsessing that is comforting you. When we put it in this perspective, it has the power to knock the object of your obsession off her pedestal and place her where she needs to be placed: as a tool you are using to numb your own discomfort with life.
That’s pretty heavy. And it may hurt to hear. But, instead of wracking your brain to “live in the present” and give up the past, focus instead on what might be driving you to run away or to seek protection in your obsession. WHat are you afraid to face? It’s not the absence of her. It’s something far more personal. But you need to really dig deep. Here’s two blogs to help…
500 pound elephant in the room http://thelovelyaddict.com/2008/12/14/the-500-pound-elephant-in-the-room/
The Battle Within http://thelovelyaddict.com/2009/01/05/the-battle-within/
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Funny that I forgot about my comment until I was seeking some sort of comfort today and returned to your blog. I needed a post about torchbearing, as my day has been wrought with those thoughts that seems to stunt me back to my toddler years. And then I see the comment that smacks of my writing. As manic as these periods come and go, I have to admit I never saw your reply.
So… thanks for this. It is confirmation of what I know to be true. And what’s scary is that the works seems so intangible. I’m good with hunkering down on a tangible problem, deconstructing it and banging out a solution. But faced with the inner complexities of my psyche and an uncertain realm of my avoidance, I feel like I am staring at Chomolungma with crampons.
It is true that it’s not about her. It is true that the feelings are about my own abandonment of myself. It is true that in order to recover I must uncover that which I am avoiding and seek to make peace with it. I have peeled so many layers and accepted so much, yet I continue to hear screaming voices of criticism, worthlessness and feel pains of abandonment. Two steps forward three steps back. But… with those two steps forward, I think I am uncovering enough that when the quicksand subsides, I’ll be able to take giant steps and actually climb that mountain. And maybe, with words like yours to guide me, I just might find a pair of crampons along the way….
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*staring at Chomolungma without crampons
BTW – Have you considered guests posts from a male perspective? I’d love to get it out and share my story with your audience. I’m happy to share writing samples with you from my blog…. Please email me if you’re interested.
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