So, I have this lovely new addition built onto my house. And my lovely boyfriend and his two kids are about to move in as soon as the back bedrooms are painted. You’d think this would be a happy time for me. And yet, I am obsessed with feeling miserable, burnt out and put upon. I feel as though I have been dealing with the brunt of the problems that arise and that I am the one who has taken on more responsibility in this move. I feel like, I am supposed to get my house rebuilt, cleaned up, put together, and when all that is done, D will simply move in and we’ll all live happily ever after.
The reality is, he has been helping, and so my whining about there being an imbalance of responsibility is a little distorted. He has taken certain things under his wing (the banking issue; the rug; buying the new closets). He has moved some furniture around. And he has always been supportive of helping me whenever he’s here. Despite the fact that I have had to deal with more, I should not be complaining so much and pointing the finger so much. So, why am I?
Last night when the idiot cable guy drilled a hole on the outside of my cedar clap siding (when I specifically asked him not to), I lost it. It was the final straw. D came over after I was already irate and on the phone with the cable company, saw that I had things under control and said, “This sucks. We’ll have to get this repaired and send them the bill. OK, well, I have to go to pick up my kids.” And off he went. I kinda yelled at him and said, “That’s it? That’s all you’re going to do?” His response was, “What do you want me to do? You’re already handling it.”
“Well, I don’t want to be handling it. I want YOU to handle it so I can go jump off a bridge. ” I didn’t say any of that. But I thought it. And I didn’t even think it as it was happening. I was just FEELING it. Eventually I realized I was feeling abandoned, neglected and insecure for being such a whiny baby. More than anything, I wanted him to take care of me. I wanted him to be my life raft because I’m so done with this project and I want a vice to help take off the edge.
Later, I ended up blaming him for not doing enough. He took that personally, got incredibly defensive and we ended it by saying we’ll talk more about it tomorrow (today).
V from theronhardlegacy.com said that, “even worse than avoiding conflict is creating conflict.” I think that’s what’s at hand now. And I am a little embarrassed to know that this is happening this late into recovery. I should know better. And yet STRESS and lots of it, will trip me up and have me reverting back to my old ways. It’s something I need to constantly be aware of.
But how do I manage it? How do I not blame D? How do I reduce my level of stress and stop creating more conflict? Thoughts and suggestions are are needed folks. Have you got any? Because at the moment, I can’t seem to see the forest through the trees.