So, I’ve cut sugar out of my diet this week, which means I’m a little less perky than usual. But more importantly, I cut my hair SHORT and I have been feeling horribly ugly. I saw that stupid movie Hemingway’s Garden of Eden where the main character keeps cutting her hair shorter and shorter and then begins an affair with a woman while being married to a man. Not that I planned to start dating women, but I thought the change to short hair would be fun. I was so wrong. I’ve been nothing but down about it. And what’s worse, I’ve been fishing for compliments and validation from D that I’m still pretty. It seems that no matter how much he tells me he still thinks I’m beautiful, I simply don’t believe it.
Yesterday, in fact, I kinda snapped at him and said, “I feel as though you don’t compliment as much anymore.” D doesn’t like being “accused” of anything and so he kinda snapped back, “Aren’t you being a little unrealistic?”
Not that the discussion culminated into a fight– it didn’t– but it did culminate into me feeling even MORE insecure for mentioning my insecurity. And then I realized later, after he left, that I have been slowly spiraling downward in all aspects of my life: my confidence, my self-esteem, my recently acquired work ethic, etc. I never go to the gym anymore, I haven’t worked on any of my short stories, I’ve postponed (ugh, let me be realistic, I quit) grad school, I’ve made D and his moving in my whole world.
Where did I go wrong? What happened to all that confidence I had two years ago? One year ago? Heck, a year ago, I was in grad school, writing feverishly, teaching Basic Writing, training for a triathlon, losing enormous amounts of weight (Hello size 4 skinny jeans!) and felt damn good about myself.
That’s all kind of gone out the window and the less confident I am, the more I am aware of how that may appear to D. And then the worry starts. Will he see through me? Will he stop loving me? Will he get bored with me?
Thing is, with him moving in and with us redesigning the whole house, it’s taking a hell of a lot out of me. It’s practically a full time job.
Maybe. More than anything I’m simply coming down off a two-year high. Now the trick is to either get that “high” back (not likely) or accept the reality of my life as it is. To continue to face my dragons. To forge a life for myself not dependent on D. Easier said than done.
So, there is no upbeat ending to this post. Maybe next week when I’ve detoxed from all this sugar something will come to me.