I just wanted to thank you again for all your good advice throughout this past year and a half. I wanted to let you know that I feel as though I have finally found my very first HEALTHY relationship. I cannot say that S (who came previously) was all that bad, but he was, after all, an avoidant who also smoked pot. Since having gotten over him, I can see clearly how unhealthy he is.
I have been with D for over four months now and though that is not a lot of time, there are certain markers that tell me I am with someone who is genuinely healthy and mutually in love with me. I trust him, he doesn’t do drugs, we share the same values, there’s passion between us, respect, truth, communication, etc. And the nicest part is that it is growing- it’s not fraught with me constantly questioning the validity of his love (as I so often did with the others) because he SHOWS me a gazillion times a day. He is not a commitment-phobe. He is not afraid of intimacy. I can actually make mistakes and he forgives me and loves me in spite of them. He is helpful and kind and talks about the future with me in it. At times, I down play our love and he tells me, “don’t sell us short, T. We are in love. Just accept it.” It’s hard to have so much faith in “us” so quickly I tell him. And he understands. There’s no fighting, just peace. And yet, after all that, I am still waiting for the bottom to fall out. I have NEVER in my entire life had a relationship that was not fraught with some sort of anguish or pain and so I am a doomsday thinker. Are long periods of happiness between people even possible? I thought happiness between couples was a myth. In all honesty, he’s not perfect. He does come with baggage as do I. He is recently divorced and his ex wants to take his children an hour and half up north to live. He is devastated to be losing that close proximity to his children. He’s a lawyer, but becomes very emotional over the struggle to keep his kids in town. These, I imagine, are the types of problems healthy, loving couples have. Where no hate or anger or tension is built up between the two, but rather, the two struggle to overcome problems outside of themselves. This I can handle. This feels like problems worth struggling over.
At any rate, I wanted to share a photo of “us” with you, but it’s confidential. And please wish us luck, as that is what I feel I am with him. Lucky. I am lucky to have met him. I think that’s what it all boils down to, Susan. You definitely need to be healthy to maintain a successful relationship over the long haul, but you need a little luck too.
Thanks for making HEALTH possible for me. You are a great woman to have this site and to help so many people who truly want to be helped.
D shows me he loves me in many different ways. He buys me flowers, he buys me gifts and cards, he writes me emails every day from work, he takes me out to lunch, he helps me around the house, he talks me into his future plans, he kisses me, holds me, tells me he loves me, brings me dinner, pays for stuff even when I say, “let me get this.” He laughs at my jokes, he loves being around my family, he is patient with me, he wants to spend as much time as possible with me, he invites me into his world and on and on…
Here is a very small example of our mutual love (if you can’t stand mushiness, don’t read!):
I have a very hard time sleeping in the same bed with someone so, oftentimes, I will get up in the middle of the night and go sleep on the sofa. Most importantly is that D is OK with this and lets me go. He doesn’t come chasing after me or expect me to come back to bed. He just lets me do my thing. Last night, however, I stayed the whole night and was quite proud of myself. We are both excited that we will be able to sleep together normally without me getting up a million times. But this morning, he told me that at one point in the middle of the night he reached his foot over to my side to check to see if I was still there and when he learned I was, was quite happy. The funny thing is, I did the same thing last night. I could not feel him next to me so I reached my foot over to feel for him.