All my suspicions were confirmed. All my yearning to know if S still had feelings for me were true. We had a great talk last night. I finally came out and told him I was in a serious relationship. I guess I didn’t want to do that because I feared the inevitable– losing him. But I need to let him go in order to move on. I told him I too still had feelings for him and that that’s why I didn’t think it was a good idea to keep seeing each other, being that I want to move on and don’t believe we are good for each other (S and I, that is). He was cool about it, and pretty much said the same: “I can’t have a relationship with anyone now based on my circumstances. Not that I wouldn’t want one, but I can’t have one….”.
I felt like a weight had lifted off me. We swapped a few more confessions about our feelings but that was pretty much it. I kept it relatively short. We stuttered and stammered a bit. We hadn’t talked that openly in a very long time. But it wasn’t that scary. I told him we’ll just put the “friendship” on the back burner until I have a clearer picture of what I want. He didn’t say he’ll miss me or anything sappy like that, but he did express that he hopes it’s not forever. Me too.
Doing that made me feel so much better. Like I addressed an important issue that was bothering me. I’m very proud of the “choice” I made. I am happy too to be giving D a fair chance now. For a week or two, since S starting showing up and I actually SAW him, I was began comparing the two, and quite frankly, they physically don’t compare. S is the archetype of the physically perfect man for me (see: Nathan Followill). My type. No question. D is extremely slim. He has a runner’s body. His looks vacillate between scholarly geeky and distinguished business man. DOn’t get me wrong, D is good looking. But in a line up, S would win hands down.
Thing is…I am not very superficial. Or at least, I HOPE TO GOD i am not. I do not base decisions on physical looks, but rather, what’s underneath. And D has a lot of value there. In fact, at one point, I sensed a shallowness coming from S in our convo last night. I mean, I’m sure most of it was coming from insecurity. But still…I think I made the right choice. Actually, I know I made the right choice. And that feels good.
Gosh, maybe all that yucky feeling inside of me over the past week has been an issue of physicality between S and D. Who knows. But again, I’m trying to weigh the value of these men and what they mean to me on a little more than a few sexy tattoos and some great lips.