I was spurred on by another member’s post the other day on the LAA site to write this. She was talking about her PoA, what he was doing and how she reacted to it: and then he did this and this is how I felt, and then he did that and this is how I felt. A few members responded back, helping her to analyze HIS behavior, and then continued on talking about their PoAs and their PoAs actions. People! We are all supposed to be in recovery. It’s about YOU. We are not here to analyze our PoAs. We are not here to figure out why they do what they do. The bottom line is that you picked a substandard individual at a time in your life when you believed you could do no better. That time is over. Use this time of your life to let go. To focus on you.
Part of this disease is to trick us into believing that if we figure out these PoAs we are recovered. We think if we maintain NC we are recovered (despite still obsessing over them). This is not true. The thing we ALL must remember is this: the amount of time you WASTE on thinking about and trying to figure out your PoA is time wasted on you. You will never know yourself in those moments if you spend your time fantasizing about someone or something else. And believe me, that’s the WHOLE POINT of LOVE ADDICTION. The more you focus on someone outside yourself, the more you AVOID yourself. You are obsessed with your PoA, because facing yourself alone is possibly the scariest thing ever.
Here’s a little test to see how addicted you are. I took this very same test a year ago and ended up crying hysterically in sadness because of the result. Try to spend ONE WHOLE DAY fighting all your obsessive thoughts about your PoA. Try to think of other stuff. DOn’t watch TV or read. Just do what you do normally and see what thoughts you think. Anything will do…try to think about politics or the environment or your friends…let your mind be FREE to finally think of other stuff instead of the PoA. Then come back here and let me know what you thought. When I did this experiment the first time, I had NOTHING to THINK ABOUT. I was as dull and brain-dead as rock. That’s sad. Very sad. And I suspect that most of the people here who are at the very beginning of their recovery will discover the same.
When we focus on others obsessively (especially ones that treat us badly) we deny ourselves a source of sustenance needed to be in the world. YES! In the very beginning of a break up you have a right to question and seek answers and wonder about the PoA. But give yourself a limit. Say, three months. After that, tell yourself it’s time to move on. It’s time to put the PoA to bed (not literally of course) and start the process of REAL recovery.
All that said, every one of us has a responsibility to the others suffering with love addiction to not allow each other to continue fantasizing and going on and on about PoAs. We have a responsibility to help each other out. To bring each other back into FOCUS. To say, hey! I get that you want to talk about him, but what purpose is it serving?