I hate reading into things. It makes me feel pathetic. But today I noticed that S changed his profile picture on FB to a tree that he had taken a photo of one afternoon, with my camera, when we were together — it was early in our relationship and we were both very happy. We took this long drive down the shore– we loved driving together and taking road trips– and he would take pictures of things he saw on the side of the road. Old cars or buildings mostly. But this tree was in a big open field and it was beautiful and as I sat in the car, waiting for him to come back, I thought how deeply we were in love and how the tree represented us, grounded and spreading its branches in a million different directions–and I told him so when he came back to the car. We kissed and kept driving.
I haven’t written to him or anything in almost two months. In my mind, the day he left my stuff on my front porch-step just spoke to me loud and clear: i don’t love you, Tracy. And I want nothing more to do with you. I had never been more crushed as I loved him so very much, even after we split up.
He, for that matter has not contacted me either. And so…life goes on and I try to deal and be strong and get on with things. But i so see symbolism in this. Am i simply longing? Am i trying to see something that’s probably just not there? For all I know he’s dating someone new and has NO recollection of where that photo came from or why he likes it so much. Or if he does remember maybe, probably, he’s just not as sentimental as I am. He used to be sentimental. He used to remember lots of stuff. Oh god.
I have to say that of ALL the men I’ve ever dated this one was the biggest mystery. This one hurt the most. It still hurts sometimes. I mean, know why we split up– but sometimes I am still so buried under doubt. I sometimes still believe he gave up on me. That he quit and left for superficial reasons. And that splitting up was the biggest mistake of our lives.
On the flip side, i have done so much in the way of trying to get over him- just because i was forced to. I’m sure he thinks i snubbed him in certain ways, but i had no choice. I had to cut him out of my life in certain ways if i was to survive. You can’t blame me– I mean, we were BOTH convinced for awhile that this was it. That we would remain in love forever. That we had finally found our second half. SO you could imagine how crushed I was as little by little he started to withdrawal….oh, but I don’t want to get into that. I merely want to say that this break up has not been easy. I am just now starting to feel confident and happy again. Originally, I thought we’d be friends and that did not happen. Maybe this is his way of sending me a message. His way of saying, “hey, I’m not angry” or “I’m thinking of you…”
If it’s nothing, it’s nothing. No big deal. But I want to respond to it. I want to put up a little comment under the picture. It’s my way. It’s always been my way. And yet, i just keep thinking, if he really wants to talk to me or get my attention, he’d email or call. It’s THAT simple.